After hours

Yes yes I know, I am the biggest nerd ever! It just occurred to me while pipetting yet another PCR plate that there were so many colorful tubes on my rack and that I could totally spell some word out with them. I got so excited by the idea, I finished preparing the plate in record time - without mistakes as far as I know - and then got to work on this. My only excuse: it's past 8pm.

Chicago 2016

The IOC (International Olympic Committee) inspection team visited Chicago today as a part of the process deciding the location for the 2016 Olympics. For the visit, the city gathered some leading athletes and did demonstrations with local kids to show how important athletic development was in Chicago. My coach from college was the fencing rep and he is featured in this video giving a lesson to a kid (he's the one in all black), pretty cool! I hope they win too!

Pigtails

My hair isn't quite long enough yet for really good pigtails, but I felt like trying anyway this morning. New York has once again returned to being the abusive boyfriend (thanks Rach for this image, I just love it, can't stop using it!) and the air was so humid my hair looked pretty funny this morning before I decided to braid it. It made me feel a little nostalgic actually, I used to wear ponytails like these for fencing for a more comfortable fit of the mask, and then I got used to them so much I wore them all the time. But not for some 4 years now... it was time for their return!

Beautiful Day

What a beautiful day it was! As Rachel said, "New York today is like an abusive boyfriend bringing flowers" except maybe that he adds that you shouldn't expect flowers anytime soon again (forecasting rain for the next 3 days) or when you get really excited about them, he says something nasty (the occasional wind gusts that almost blew me away were pretty painful).

It was a little chilly at 7:30 when we set off for the 4 mile race today in Central Park. There were about 8000 people, pretty impressive! This was my first race since the marathon and also the first of the year in NYC. I thought I had been running somewhat faster in the month or so I have been semi-regularly training again, but I never timed myself very closely, so this was the test. In fact, it seems like I have gotten a little faster: I ran an average of 8:11 min/mile pace today, which is my best so far for any race. Now, this was only 4 miles, so we'll see how next weekend's 10K Scotland Run goes. Eventually, I'd like to get under 8 minute miles at least for these shorter distances: it seems like a pretty reasonable goal for this year.

I am pretty sure now that I hate morning running. I am just not really awake at 8 yet (should get up at least 2 hours earlier to get my body and mind ready for a race) and the first 2 miles or so were pretty bad considering how cold and tight I felt, and then the race was practically over! Too bad all the races are in the morning...

To actually enjoy some of the sunshine, without the sweaty crowd around me, I ate my lunch at the little park around the corner. There are always tons of kids running around at the playground, parents with babies lounging on the benches, nannies trying to quiet the little ones... next to me, a young couple with two small boys, between 3 and 6 probably. Very typical Upper East Side family: expensive stroller, kids dressed in Tommy Hilfiger outfits with little patterned sweater-vests, cute, but a little scary to me. During the time I ate my slice of pizza - it was a pretty big slice, but still, it couldn't have taken more than 10 minutes to eat - the mother used about a half a pack of those antibacterial wipes to clean the kids' faces and hands, after they touched anything! I looked on alarmed. Is this really necessary? Let those poor kids build a normal immune system, for god's sake!

I have this theory: ever since I started working with bacterial products in the lab, I haven't been sick at all. I use things that are found in bacteria - like a molecule that's part of their cell walls, or synthetic compounds that mimic bacteria - to activate cells in dishes, to stimulate what an immune response to bacteria would be like in our bodies. I have to admit that I am not the most careful when handling these things: in a rush often, I forget to put gloves on, touch the tubes, and besides, our whole lab must be covered with these molecules considering that everyone uses them. In any case, there is some real scientific evidence, actually, from a faculty member here at Sloan Kettering, that being exposed to small amounts of bacterial products (in this case, to LPS in the drinking water of mice, which is a bacterial membrane component) actually strengthens the immune response to a subsequent infection by a potentially dangerous pathogen. So I firmly believe that eating a bit of dirt - or bacterial cell walls, for that matter - can hurt nobody and overanxious and overprotective Upper East Side mothers should all study some immunology.

On a more somber note, I saw such a heartbreaking and yet heartwarming thing yesterday! Right around Sloan Kettering, I saw a little boy of about 5 walking with his Dad holding hands, the boy losing his hair, huge, fresh scar across his head, surgical mask covering his face. Yet, he was skipping about, laughing, excitedly talking, his Dad lifting him up in the air, they looked truly happy in that moment I passed them on the street. We should all appreciate the little things more than we do, for some people, being able to walk down the street with their children is such a rare moment of happiness, and yet we so often take those little things for granted.

Color

I have been rightly accused of a few rather dark posts recently. I apologize. I do need to lighten up a bit. For that, I am wearing some more colors than usual: the stockings are my favorite today - pink butterflies!

I also got a new pair of running shoes, ah they are so soft, just tried them out and had a very good 10K run in them! They are the same kind of Asics I had before, except in hot pink - not entirely by choice: Asics is coming out with a new model so no stores had this old one in my size anymore and I had to order online and they only had this particular color - I like that they are not the usual blue and they have some floral pattern on them too!



Last, but not least, during lunch, I went home to put something together for our lab happy hour this afternoon. The result (on the cutest cutting board I got as a X-mas present from Kelsey and now always use to chop things on:):

The hard choice

The hardest choices in life we have to make are those that we know will benefit us at the end of the day and yet we don't want to make for one reason or another. Letting go of something lovely yet destructive, facing reality can tear the heart out. I read somewhere that loving starts with having respect. Out of respect for myself, for the ones I care about, and those on the other side of the equation, I have to accept that I have made the right choice, and now the letting go and the healing can begin. This never gets easier and it takes practice. I can now see how much I have learned and grown through letting go. Every ending brings about a new beginning. I feel sad but light, like a weight has been lifted off of me, and in this new lightness I feel strong.

To let go

From my yoga teacher:

"To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another; I can only change myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but it is to allow another to be a human being."

"To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes. To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to work to correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment. To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone; it is to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but rather to live now and grow for the future. And finally, to let go is to fear less and love more."

I think everyone who reads these lines will find something of value, something to relate to in their own lives. For me, the last few sentences, in particular, have a lot of meaning. Taking each day as it comes, welcoming the events of each of those days without always wanting to have control over them; to become what I dream I can be without conforming to anyone else's ideals. There is no design for life (quote from a Travis song, almost) and that's so difficult to realize, it has taken me all this time to really understand the meaning of that line in that song. There is no one good way to live, no recipe for happiness, but rather, for everyone to find his or her own way to be.

To not regret the past, to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and try to somehow become better for the next challenge. To live in the present, without dwelling on the past, but at the same time, growing for the future: this is also something I didn't understand before. How can I live in the present with the memories of the past and the ability to imagine the future? Memories and the images of the future are a way to escape from the present, and I don't think it's possible - at least not for me - to not be that way, but I do think we should strive to be in the now with the intention of growing for the future and not with the intention to either forget about the past and the future nor to ignore them. They are both a part of our lives like the present moment is. After all, the present moment is already the past as soon as it happens and the future is already the now.

And last but not least, love and be loved, even when it's scary, even when it means that you open your heart up and it will almost certainly get broken; I think that even then, it's worth it.