Home away from home

I just came across a new blog I liked. It's by someone not very dissimilar to myself. It's interesting how we can connect to someone we have never met and don't know anything more about than the thoughts they put "on the (electronic) paper". In any case, reading this blog made me nostalgic about my own blog. And made me feel a little guilty about how bad I have been about keeping up with it. So here we are.

Thanksgiving is coming up in two days. A lot of people came to class today with their suitcases, heading to the airport straight from school to head home. I suspect I will see even more people tomorrow with their suitcases, assuming anyone will go to class even. After class I met up with a friend who is a med student at Einstein and just had a baby, so she is taking the year off. I met the 5-months old cutie-pie, caught up with her Mom, then walked around the city in the rain.

I don't get homesick often; almost never to be very honest. New York feels like home, it has for many years and I don't long to be anywhere else. Of course, there are a lot of people I miss very much who live all over the world, literally. But that's the reality of life these days, especially for us emigrants. Around the holidays though, I do get homesick. This year, it seems to have just set in today. Like I said, it's not because I don't feel at home here and it's certainly not because people don't make feel at home. It's just a fact.

I usually travel to Kansas for Thanksgiving to see the dear family I once lived with when I was in high school, now more than 13!! years ago. Going there always feels closest to going Home, with a capital "H". But this year I have already used up my travel budget to go to El Salvador, Montreal, and then going home to Budapest for Christmas in a month! Plus there is a big vacation in the planning for next summer (more about that later, I hope). So that, with the ridiculously pricey plane tickets this year, I decided to stay put in NYC this week. Ultimately, I am looking forward to a quiet weekend without travel stress, much studying and all that. That was, until I realized that I had something planned already for every single day of the week. Not that I am complaining! Oh no no no! It's great! I love it! It's home!

Tomorrow night, I am going to Becky's parents' house in Brooklyn to make latkes for the first night of Hanukkah, then off to New Jersey to Kelsey's parents' house for turkey day, then plans with friends who are visiting from abroad or from up north, catching up with friends I never have time to see. Going through my to-do-list for the weekend, I realized, just now, that being far away from Home home just means that I have multiple homes: one here on 26th Street in Manhattan, another one in Brooklyn, in New Jersey, in Kansas, even in Ohio and in Budapest. It's not that bad, after all :)

Life cycles

It is sometimes said that our lives are made up of 7-year cycles; we somehow reinvent ourselves, or just simply change a little bit in a cycle. I don't think it matters how many years our "cycles" are, but it is definitely true: we do go through phases in life in which we think differently, do things differently, take more or less risks, meet more or less people, become more or less open to the world, or just simply change out paths.

Recently, a few close friends of mine have been going through such life changes. My closest friend while growing up in Hungary just left her residency training in Medicine to travel around India for 3 months, looking for something that she feels is missing from her life. While I firmly believe that whatever is missing from one's life can be found more locally than traveling halfway around the world, I do commend her on taking the risk and embarking on this adventure of a lifetime. I sincerely hope that she finds whatever it is she is looking for, or at least that she returns to Europe with a new world view, or just a sense of being more at peace. Another friend of mine here in New York left her decade-long career in science and is trying to find her real passions. We had dinner earlier this week and she mentioned that she knew a lot of people in their 30's doing the same thing. Another close friend from grad school just started law school a few weeks ago to become a patent lawyer.

I was thinking about all these things while out on a run in Central Park a couple of days ago. I am training for the 2013 NYC Marathon, which is just a little over a month away. I am really excited! The first time I was in these same shoes was 4 years ago now, training for the 2009 NYCM. That season ended up being a huge turning point in my life. Whether or not it had something to do with the running, I can't say, but I'd like to believe it. In August that year, I ran a really difficult half marathon in 80+ degree weather and managed to fracture a metatarsal bone in my foot. With 6-8 weeks of recovery, the marathon was out of the question. I was very disappointed. Also, I suddenly had a lot of time freed up that fall. So maybe it was all that free time that suddenly got me to think about bigger things, who knows. But it was that fall that I made the decision to embark on this new journey that I am still at the beginning of right now.

It's amazing how things turn out in life. I wish I could tell myself 4 years ago that everything was going to be ok. But how wonderful life is, that we can look back and realize that 4 years ago, if someone had told me that 4 years later I would be starting my second year in medical school, I would be in love with a great man and would be in the greatest shape of my life training for the NYC Marathon, I probably wouldn't have believed them at all. While it's easy to get bogged down by the little daily struggles, it's so important to think about life as a whole sometimes. Starting my second in year in medical school was a little rough. This past summer was a blast! Having a 9-5 job was so nice! I had my evenings and weekends free, took a long weekend trip to Montreal with the boyfriend, spent another week in El Salvador with a college friend, and just did a lot of relaxing in general. Being thrown head first into 4 weeks of anatomy after this was a shock to the system. Things have calmed down since - being done with anatomy FOREVER helps a lot! - and now I am just really excited to be just 3 months away from starting clinical clerkships!

Maybe my life turns in 4-year cycles, who knows. But in any case, it's good to think about these things at least every 4 years.

The perfect amount of pain

Been feeling sort of anxious over the past couple of days. School, work, boyfriend, whatever else there is, sometimes it all seems a little too much to handle at once. And then it's been raining for days, and every day, more and more lecture pile on top of the ones I am already behind on. And the weekend offers no relief in this matter with a wedding plus friends and relatives in town!

When I got home from class in the early afternoon, the sun was beginning to poke out from under the clouds. Finally! I put on my running shoes and headed out to the river. I desperately wanted to let go of all the shit in my head, to relax, to find that sweet spot that all runners know about. That spot where your legs propel you forward without effort and where all inner dialogue disappears for a few moments at a time. 

As I was running south, the wind was gently pushing me forward from the back, but I was getting distracted by every little thing. Shoes coming untied, layers coming off, sweating too much, nose running, nothing quite right. When I got to the 2.5 mile spot I usually turn around at for shorter runs, I stopped to stretch, to look at the water, take in the view of Brooklyn, the bridges, a little bit of NY Harbor. It's no Central Park, but can't complain!

I contemplated going on south, trying to make it a longer run: maybe I'll be able to relax a little more after a couple more miles. Then I remembered all those lectures, the 100's of pages of notes I have yet to review, and quickly decided to turn around. This time, the wind was in my face, it was hard to speed up, there was ni hope of me trying to do any intervals or sprints. I finally let it go: it's just not meant to happen today, I thought. Not going to find that sweet spot. It's ok, it's still a workout, I am outside, it's sunny, I will feel better later on when it's raining again and I am stuck inside. I kept pushing against the wind, with less effort and more acceptance this time. After some time - a few minutes, maybe more - I realized that I wasn't thinking of anything anymore. I also noticed that I was in pain. My shoulders were aching from a yoga class I tok a few days ago, my legs were getting tired, I could feel a small blister developing on my right pinky toe. I notes all these sensations. They weren't bothering me, they were just present. Beyond those sensations though, I felt empty. No racing thoughts, no worrying. Just the perfect amount of pain occupying all that space now. The thought of stopping or slowing down exited my mind as soon as it entered - I needed to hold on to the pain as long as I could. 

Sitting at my desk with the piles of notes sitting right next to me now, I still feel that sense of calm, of letting go. I wish it was easier to hold on to it. 

Lacing my shoes up

Last week, at least for a few days, running took on a whole new meaning. For the first time in a very long time, I ran 4 times in one week, felt excited about it and for the most part, felt really good doing it (the weather has a lot to do with it of course, besides the various emotions that needed to be released after the terrifying events of last week). I thought a lot (perhaps too much) about the whole thing; I tried to focus on the positives. Like being very grateful for everything. Being healthy and having two legs to run on were the main focus. And other things we take for granted.

Then as the events of Friday were enfolding in Boston, there was more to be grateful for. Also, as soon as I heard about what was happening, I wanted to go for a run. And I did. And it felt so good.

Now that it all seems to be over, people naturally want answers. But I am not sure what people are expecting. Could there ever really be a satisfying answer to all the why’s?? Or even one that could provide some sense to closure, possibly peace. Not likely. And yet, people try to come up with reasons and when that is the case, it’s very easy to fall into oversimplifying potential motives, labeling people are good versus evil and so on. Last night I went to see a new movie by Mira Nair, The reluctant fundamentalist, at the Tribeca Film Festival. The issues it brought up in the film could not have been more relevant. Good versus evil; the effects of discrimination on people; being caught between cultures and between a person’s commitment to family, country versus his or her commitment to him or herself.

Beyond what happened to the victims of the bombings, the stories of the two young men who are accused of this horrendous act of violence also makes me incredibly sad. It’s easy to say that there is a good and an evil side to this story, like so many other stories. It’s more difficult to admit that there is so much more that plays into the actions of individuals who for one reason or another commit acts such as this one. Just two weeks ago, the lives of the two men involved still had the potential to take a completely different turn. Life for them could have gone another way. What gets me about the whole story is realizing that they are (were) human beings like any of us and that the 19 year old kid who could possibly face the death penalty could have been any other 19 year old college freshman I run into daily on campus. But for them, something has gone so wrong.

The conclusion I have come to is that given a set of circumstances, almost all of us could be in the shoes of that 19-year-old. I was lucky enough to be born in a free country, to never have experienced war or terror first hand, to have had the most open family and upbringing. We are born as blank slates and all of our experiences mold us into the people we are when we die. We have a certain predisposition to respond to those experiences one way or another; but in the end, we don’t fully understand what influences are most crucial when it comes to shaping a person’s mind and behavior.

In the end, an act of evil was committed by people who are likely way too complex for us to be able to simply label them with a single adjective. For me, this all comes down to one thing at the end. We are constantly evolving beings, nearly all of us and we constantly influence each other. Perhaps if the people who have committed acts of evil have been given a different set of experiences throughout their lives, they would have turned out somewhat differently. I might be completely wrong on this, but in the end, being as caring and compassionate as possible with those around us can only have a positive effect, so why not try a little harder.

With that said, and slightly unrelated to all this, I am ready to get back into running. Spring is finally here, the 2013 NYC Marathon registration has opened, and I have a guaranteed spot. This is going to be a big year to run a major marathon, to show the world that runners are not quitters. So I am lacing my shoes up once again, and hopefully with that, I will find the words to write again too. 

Terror

It's sad that it took today's events to get me to sit down and write again.

I talked to a friend today with whom I ran the 2010 NYC Marathon and she said that as a runner and as someone who had participated in a marathon before, she felt like she was being attacked. I feel the same way today. I may not have been in Boston, I may not have ever run the marathon there, but as a marathon runner, as an athlete, as a person, I feel like I have been attacked.

For me and I am sure for many others, running is a safe place. It's where I go when I am sad, stressed, happy, tired or just need to gather some thoughts. Marathons are celebrations of all of that. Of the time and energy people devote to their passion, of the strength and perseverance of a person who can push him or herself to the limits. Crossing the finish line three times now has been the most joyous and emotional place I have been in my entire life.

Today, the world is a little darker, a little sadder. For many people, that joy was never felt. It was tears and terror instead. Senseless terror, which is always is. But this one hit too close to home. We have to try to go on because we cannot let terrorists to change the way we live; that would mean giving in. Running is a safe place for me. It will still be a safe place. Nobody can take that away from me.

Learning

I was talking to a friend from grad school over the weekend who is now a postdoc. She said she couldn't imagine going back to school and having to study again. I tried to argue that what she was doing in a new lab - learning new techniques and such - wasn't so different. I think we all learn tons and tons of new things every day of our lives, even if we don't realize it. But I do have to admit, she was right in that med school is different. What she was talking about was not the learning, but the studying. The need to remember, memorize, regurgitate. The thing is, I love learning things - but who likes taking exams? And yet, to take exams means you have to memorize. And preferably remember, at least for a few hours, while you are taking the test. Or in the case of doctors, preferably for good. Right?

I just took an exam yesterday, in pulmonology. Less than two weeks ago, I took an exam in cardiology. In a another two weeks, we will have another exam in lung pathology. Then anatomy. Then nephrology. Then god knows what... and this will never end. Literally, will. never. end.

Some days, it feels like I am being run over by a truck. Or, it's more like there is a person - the professor who happens to be lecturing - throwing heavy objects at me at a very fast pace; I am expected to catch all of them, stuff them in my head as quickly as I can, and then remove from from my head just as quickly to make room for things a different person will throw at me next week. It's like myriads of information is flying in through one ear while just as much is flying out through the other. Continuously.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling really overwhelmed by cardiology. It was our first real "medical" unit. We were actually learning about real diseases, what they looked like under the microscope, how to diagnose them and how to treat them. For the final, we had to learn to read EKG's, heart sounds and murmurs and also hundreds (or so it seemed) of heart disease medications. I thought it would be impossible. I spent lots of hours in the library making index cards, giant tables, taking hundreds of pages of notes and eventually, it all somehow went in my head. And it was kind of fun (except for the endless hours in the library while others were enjoying life out there somewhere). It was so interesting. Then I took the exam. It went great. And then I was done. I was tired. I just wanted to see some friends. See a movie. Have a drink.

But medical school is like a train going at 120 miles an hour, never slowing down. So the next morning - actually, the same afternoon - we started the next unit. I figured that after what I had just accomplished, it would be a piece of cake. So I ignored school for a while. I went to class, but then I did other things: I went to see a movie, I met friends for dinner, I got drunk, I went to New Haven to visit a friend, I refereed some fencing. And then there was already another exam looming in the near future. Again I felt like there was just too much to learn. And I did not even find pulmonology interesting: it's basically Physics. Pressures, volumes, tubes, resistances, lots of equations and calculations. But there was I again over the weekend, locking myself in the library (well, for some of the weekend) and on Monday morning, I took another exam and it went well once again.

And today, the train kept moving. Every time, I promise myself that I will do a better job keeping up with the pace and the material, but sometimes, one just needs a bit of a break. I have no idea what I would do if this went on for any longer than 4 years. It seems impossible enough to get through that many! And now I don't even remember what my point was...

The greatest country in the world?

Yesterday, while trying to study, I had the live feed from the presidential inaguration on in the background. I really liked Obama's speech; I thought it was courageous; I loved how talked about equality and education and gay rights, about the opportunities for people who have dreams. It made me think about the last time he was inagurated 4 years ago. I was still a grad student at the time, and we didn't have a day off then. I was working in the lab at HSS and we got an email that morning from the hospital administration, letting us know that they would be showing the event live in one of the large conference rooms in the hospital. By the time I got there, there was standing room only; there were so many people there; black and white, doctors, nurses and janitors. People cried (including myself), people cheered, people applauded. It remember feeling proud living in a country where this was happening. Since that day, I have been very fortunate in so many ways. Perhaps most importantly, I now have a green card. (I do have to mention that one of the issues Obama pointed to in his speech yesterday had to do with skilled immigrants, which is only a little ironic given that I won my green card in a lottery after having spent 10 years in the US and in a PhD program.) In a few years, I will be proud to become a citizen, even though I admit that this country could and should be so much more successful, such a better place to live, it has such great potential, which it has not reached yet. Like Obama said "While these truths may be self-evident, they have never been self-executed." But more than anything, what's so amazing is that I've been given all of these amazing opportunities, which allowed me to live out my dreams to their fullest potentials. More than anytime before now, 4 years after I cried in that conference room at HSS, I am exactly where I want to be, I am doing exactly what I want to do, now, if only someone could reduce my student loans, pretty please!!!! 

Here is a clip I love, from an HBO show called Newsroom. It's a bit lengthy, but it's worth to watch. America could easily be the greatest country in the world.