The razor's edge

I just finished writing a long post about the experience I had in a yoga workshop earlier tonight, and even though it's late and I should really go to sleep, I just can't stop. It's perfect that I have had this experience today, just after yesterday evening, when I spent a few hours with some close friends discussing some very interesting spiritual and philosophical ideas. 

We had just finished reading The razor's edge by Somerset Maugham. At the center of the story - there isn't too much of a story, actually - is a young man, Larry, on a quest to find the meaning of life, happiness, spiritual awakening, or whatever you wanna call it, maybe just plain happiness, after a traumatic experience he had had in WWI. He reads all the famous philosophers and spirituals, travels the world, working in a mine, on a farm, on boats, even spending time at monasteries in India, studying, meditating, trying to find this something - he doesn't even know what it is he's looking for - before realizing that it's simply living life that is the source of happiness. Just like in my yoga class: being in touch with reality, being intimate with life, being present in life are more important that looking for some form of enlightenment, because looking for it implies the absence of something, but in truth, it's present in all of us, we just have to listen.

After killing a few bottles of wine, the discussion drifted to more general topics: our struggles as grad students, as young people trying to find our calling, the conflict of money, our dreams and desires, for our careers, our personal lives. At one point, one of my more nihilistic friends even brought up what we all know very well, but maybe try not to dwell on too much: that it really is all pointless at the end, since we're all going to die anyway. 

I am usually the first to admit that I do think about this a lot and I try to be aware at most times that what we have here and what we experience are all so fleeting and that any day could be our last, but yesterday, I was set to defend life! I said: well, if there's no point, why don't we all just kill ourselves tomorrow? She said fear prevented us from doing that. True. But I'd hope there was more to stop us all from slitting our wrists. 

Every action has an effect, purely the fact that we exist implies that we are having an effect on our environment, people around us and thus, on the universe as a whole. No matter what one believes in - an afterlife, karma, reincarnation, or that this is the one shot we have - I think that in the end, as long as we have an overall positive effect on the universe, then it's all worth it. And by positive effect I don't mean inventing the wheel or a cure for some cancer and winning the Nobel price, or even having 5 children and 10 grandchildren who will hopefully remember us for at least some years after we die. It can be the most mundane effect, like making a person smile. In the end, I think that the best we can hope for is touching the lives of those around us and striving to be a positive influence on the world. And that will be something different for every person, which makes it so damn interesting!

And in the end, while I do think that looking for happiness is totally defeating the purpose, if you want to be a pilot, you should learn to fly and if you want to be an actor, you should get on a stage, and if you don't like what you're doing, you should change something, take risks and never be afraid to take the harder path! Something that I have to work on...

"The sharp edge of a razor is difficult to pass over, thus the wise say the path to Salvation is hard."