Blah blah blah blah blah

Sadly, I turn to writing only when I am frustrated or sad these days, for release, control, venting, whatever it is I need at the time. At yoga class today, the teacher - she is my favorite - quoted something from Gandhi about anger and turning anger into productivity and compassion. I can't recall the exact words nor can I find the quote, but it was perfect for me to hear tonight. When holding one of the more challenging twisted poses, she said this was the start to letting go of frustrations caused by people and things outside our control. Yes, need to start somewhere, it's best in yoga class.

Ever since finishing with my MCATs and deciding not to apply to medical school until a year from now, I have been struggling slightly to find my place again. I thought it was time to outward and share more with others, maybe even romantically. I started going out with a long-time crush, K, someone I had known for years and things all of a sudden started looking up. After a few weeks, however, it became clear that he was not the guy I expected him to be. Now, things are much worse than they were before, when I just had an innocent crush on him: even though nothing terrible happened, and if anything, I should be the one feeling hurt, for some reason, K is acting like I did something really bad to him. I never understood when people weren't able to move beyond these childish games and deal with real life situations. In general, maybe one should not sleep with someone he just considers a friend, if he intends to stay friends with her. Furthermore, he should then not start ignoring her all together once everything had been settled. A problem with New York? I don't know, maybe, more and more I am thinking it is.

Then, finally, I am confident again, moving on, not caring about the strange situations at work - I enter the lunch room and say hi to everyone, he gets up and leaves without a word, as an example - at peace with things, maybe some regrets but all in all, believing that I did nothing wrong and I am still in control of my own life.

Maybe it's this being at peace that's dangerous, attractive to people, who knows. All I know is that I am at a friend's party one night, having the best time, drinking too much wine, chatting with everyone - for someone like me who's not that good at parties, this was really something - and the next thing I know, I am one of like 3 people left there, talking to the same guy for hours, him asking for my number, him walking me home, him kissing me, him calling to say he wanted to spend more time together, him telling me he wanted to see me again, how much he was looking forward to that... my rule: no expectations. But, how does one not have any expectations after someone she finds attractive and fun keeps telling her how much he wants to hang out and looks forward to it.

I meet some of his friends, they are fun and we all go out, he's affectionate, we hold hands on the street, we kiss, I feel safe and comfortable, so different from how K treated me, always distant and cold. Everything is great, we spend a wonderful night together, make plans for a couple of days later. Then, first it's just postponing, then it's canceling all together, then it's saying that he will not have time for the next few months... he swears he still wants to hang out with me - "otherwise, I wouldn't call you at all" - but just doesn't know when he'll have time. Ever.

I am just once again stunned by the insensitivity and disregard for others' feelings. Even with having little expectations, the things that people can say to one another, lies and bullshit, all I can hear when they speak is "blah blah blah blah...". Honesty is one of those rare attributes around here when it comes to relationships. People play childish games with each others' feelings, until things get so bad that they can no longer even look each other in the eyes. And when I am honest, I am the one who feels like an idiot at the end. But now I think that it's the biggest asset and in the end, as long as I stay honest to myself and those around me, I am better off than anybody.