Change

Imagine four drunk women at happy hour talking about what they don't like about their bodies. They all want to be tall and lanky with nice long legs and flat abs: the kind of body Hollywood advertises these days. One of the four women has that body; of course, she's not satisfied. She says that she never exercises, she is just lucky: no matter what junk she eats, she stays thin. It also helps that she's a vegetarian. She complains that her ribs stick out. The other three are still jealous. We can never be satisfied with ourselves. Of course, I was one of those 4 women, and not the one with the ribs sticking out. There are obviously things that we don't like about ourselves. It's natural, we can never be like the women on the magazine covers and nor should we strive to be. It's inevitable though that we want to fit into the image of ideal beauty. But most importantly, we should feel good in our skins.

There is outer beauty - we can try our best to look good, but some things are just there to stay and there is nothing we can do about them, other than go under the knife maybe - and then there is inner beauty. It may be just as difficult, but I do believe that if we want to, we can change how we are in certain ways. It's possible to take control of our lives; it's only a matter or will and work.

After the conversation of the four women I mentioned above, one of them pointed out how strange it was that we were all so dissatisfied with ourselves. Inside and out. I have been thinking about that this whole weekend. Here is what I have come to so far:
there are things we have control over in our lives. Our thoughts, actions, what we say to others, at least these three we CAN control if we want to. Often times, what upsets me the most and what causes me anxiety, sadness and tears are things that others do and say and think. I have little control over how other people feel, think, what they say and do. All of that is outside of me and yet, those things affect me the most. Of course, we care about others and when people we care about don't behave the way we expect them to, we feel cheated and disappointed. However, so much of how we feel about other people comes from within us. The way I react to another person's actions and words only depends on me. It comes from inside. I have control over that. To take control over my life, I have to become aware of what is going on inside me first of all. Second, if there is something not my liking in those things that are going on inside, I have the ability to change them. Some things I don't like and would like to change: being too emotional and occasionally obsessive, taking things way too seriously, negative thoughts about myself and my life/future/present/past everything, saying too much without thinking enough, impatience and the need for instant gratification, to list just a few that comes into my head at the moment. First step: awareness of these and other processes happening as then happen. Second: work out ways to stop these processes before they actually happen. And if successful, eventually stop them from even occurring, at least cutting them down to a minimum. It might be a lifelong journey but wouldn't it be nice to reach a point in time - hopefully within my lifetime - at which I can look at myself from the outside and be satisfied.

I think that the way to get started is by engaging in more introspective activities like writing, meditating, yoga, even running. Yesterday, it was one of the hottest days of the summer yet, and the only time I had for going out to run was in the afternoon, around 5pm. There were only a handful of crazy people out in Central Park running, including myself, and while I was so thirsty and hot and uncomfortable at times, I felt like I was able to let go of thoughts and anxieties completely for the duration of my run. Maybe it has to do with being so uncomfortable and distracted by the physical exertion that there is no more room left for unnecessary junk. Good thing I am training for the marathon now, will require lots of physical exertion over the next few months; let's hope it will have some other positive effects on me as well.