Learn to be...

I've been feeling surprisingly happy lately. I am saying that because I used to generally consider myself a negative person, taking things a little too seriously, taking small things and worrying over them, and other things I don't really want to recall and write about. Also, I am saying that I am surprised because nothing really great or amazing happened lately. In fact, I expected myself to get pretty stressed about writing this thesis, worried about the uncertain future - Where will I live next year? Will I get into medical school? Omg, I have to start applying soon!!. And there is my disaster of a love life. Falling in love with the same unavailable man over and over again, with no future perspective: it's an alternate life in an alternate universe, yet it feels so much more real than the rest of my life sometimes. On good days, he is a green dot on the side of my screen, but it still makes me feel special and happy in a way.

Ok, so on my way home tonight from running, I had this sort of an epiphany. I was feeling so good, even though I had a difficult run, a not so good day, the perspective of a lot more work when I get home. I was wondering, so weird, why should I feel so carefree and happy? Well, maybe it has nothing to do with any of this. It's inside, it's a way of thinking, it's a state of mind, it's a lot of work. Yes, work, maybe a habit. But like with everything we do or learn, it takes time. Especially when it's not our way of being, when it's not comfortable. It takes time and practice.

Let's take sports for example. Recently, for the first time in my life, I played squash. Now, I am a generally athletic person, always done sports, have pretty good hand-eye coordination, and it's a one-handed sport, much like fencing, and I have a relatively strong right arm. I am not saying I know how to play squash, but my first time wasn't a disaster: I could generally hit the ball. Yet, both times I have played now, I could barely move for about 3 days. Not unlike after running the marathon, going down the stairs and sitting down were particularly torturous - needed to first put my hands down behind me before sitting on the toilet :) for example. And this, after about an hour of squash! I can run for hours, used to fence for hours, and yet, after an hour of squash, I become basically disabled. So there is my point about learning things. Until I become comfortable, until it becomes second nature, it's going to be tough.

So back to happiness. It's like squash, or anything else we do. It's an act, it might not come naturally, but if we practice and want to learn it, it'll eventually come, and when it does, we have to cherish it. I am cherishing it now.



(I would just add running to this chart somewhere :)