Learn to be...

I've been feeling surprisingly happy lately. I am saying that because I used to generally consider myself a negative person, taking things a little too seriously, taking small things and worrying over them, and other things I don't really want to recall and write about. Also, I am saying that I am surprised because nothing really great or amazing happened lately. In fact, I expected myself to get pretty stressed about writing this thesis, worried about the uncertain future - Where will I live next year? Will I get into medical school? Omg, I have to start applying soon!!. And there is my disaster of a love life. Falling in love with the same unavailable man over and over again, with no future perspective: it's an alternate life in an alternate universe, yet it feels so much more real than the rest of my life sometimes. On good days, he is a green dot on the side of my screen, but it still makes me feel special and happy in a way.

Ok, so on my way home tonight from running, I had this sort of an epiphany. I was feeling so good, even though I had a difficult run, a not so good day, the perspective of a lot more work when I get home. I was wondering, so weird, why should I feel so carefree and happy? Well, maybe it has nothing to do with any of this. It's inside, it's a way of thinking, it's a state of mind, it's a lot of work. Yes, work, maybe a habit. But like with everything we do or learn, it takes time. Especially when it's not our way of being, when it's not comfortable. It takes time and practice.

Let's take sports for example. Recently, for the first time in my life, I played squash. Now, I am a generally athletic person, always done sports, have pretty good hand-eye coordination, and it's a one-handed sport, much like fencing, and I have a relatively strong right arm. I am not saying I know how to play squash, but my first time wasn't a disaster: I could generally hit the ball. Yet, both times I have played now, I could barely move for about 3 days. Not unlike after running the marathon, going down the stairs and sitting down were particularly torturous - needed to first put my hands down behind me before sitting on the toilet :) for example. And this, after about an hour of squash! I can run for hours, used to fence for hours, and yet, after an hour of squash, I become basically disabled. So there is my point about learning things. Until I become comfortable, until it becomes second nature, it's going to be tough.

So back to happiness. It's like squash, or anything else we do. It's an act, it might not come naturally, but if we practice and want to learn it, it'll eventually come, and when it does, we have to cherish it. I am cherishing it now.



(I would just add running to this chart somewhere :)

A taste of spring

After two months of frigid sub-zero temperatures, the spring decided to tease us for just a day or two. On Thursday, walking in the West Village, I saw people wearing summer dresses, short skirts with no leggings; everyone was excited to get out the flowery outfits even though it was still only about 10C/50F.

Then, yesterday turned out to be a gorgeous day. Cloudy in the morning, but I wanted to start my off productively, I decided to go for as a first thing in the morning. I hadn't done that in a while, and now I remember why. Morning runs can be a disaster. Still half-asleep, legs won't bend, joints creaking, stomach empty, whole body wants to go back to bed. On my way to the park, I figured, ok, I can do this, just a quick 4M-loop, I'll turn on my stopwatch, which should motivate me to be a bit speedier than usual - I don't run with the watch running actually, only when I am with Daniel, he has his iPhone running app, which, every mile, announces that we have completed yet another mile. So I started out fast, which is easy on East side of the park: only one big hill way in the beginning, and then nice and undulating, can get up the speed and keep it up for a while. At the 102nd transverse, I was already in trouble. I had to slow down and then turning on to the West side, on the first hill, gravity did what it does best and I was in no mood to fight it or to fight my own unwillingness so I stopped. It's been a while since I had to stop on a run to rest. It sucks. When you know you can run 10+ miles on any given day, it sucks to run out of gas after 2 miles. Even if you were running faster than usual. Oh well, blame it on the morning! After all, I did finish relatively strong after a few minutes to get my heart-rate in control.

I wasn't sure whether or not I deserved the reward that came next, but I had been looking forward to that for the entire length of the run: my large ice-coffee on the way home! In the winter, not only do you not want ice-coffee, but after a run, you definitely do not want to stop and have to walk. You have to run door to door not to freeze. It was so nice yesterday that not only was it comfortable to walk in just a couple of layers of running shirts and shorts, but it was also the tastiest ice-coffee I had in a while. Well, the only ice-coffee I had in a while, but I do love the feeling of being all warm and worn out after a morning run and then that creaminess and deliciousness on the way home. If it wasn't for that, I would never run in the am.

As for the rest of the day, it was rather productive - I like to think that has to do with the hormones in the brain that are induced after running. Although, how about this new finding? Apparently, our brains have their own endocannabinoid receptors, which cause runner's high, so in a way, we do actually get high: “pure happiness, elation, a feeling of unity with one’s self and/or nature, endless peacefulness,” and “inner harmony.”, as the article quotes from a review on cannabinoids and exercise. Ahhhhh!!!

And more rewards I might not have deserved:



Cake for Thorsten's bday, little balls symbolize "running chicks" or us girls he runs with (he's the only guy who runs with the HSS 4th floor girls).


My running chick with the pink shoes :)

And the finally, at midnight, I reached reference #319 in my thesis, not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, I am thinking the printing of this thing (have to print in several copies several times, seems like in this day in age, it should all be electronic) will have killed a whole forest! But in any case, I am making progress, slowly but surely. And that reminds me, time to get back to work!

Creative flies

I love scientists who study fruit flies!!! Some gene names in Drosophila melanogaster:

Neuralized
Mind Bomb
Numb
Supressor of Hairless
Mastermind
Sanpodo
Merlin
Avalanche
D-Smurf
Erupted
Son of Sevenless
Bride of Sevenless
Hedgehog
Disheveled
Hairy
Tinman
Lilliputian
Lush
Happy hour
Inebriated
Cheap date

just to list a few. Trying to have fun while writing this super boring introduction to my thesis... Ughhhh!!!

One day when I am rich...

View from the 50th floor of the New York Palace Hotel.

You might ask, how did I get to the 50th floor of one of the fanciest hotels in this city? No, I did not quit grad school and taken up with an escort service. Just babysitting for some rich out-of-towners while they were at the opera.

Passing moments

What's better: the anticipation that proceeds a long awaited moment or being in the moment itself? Certainly, they both beat what comes after the moment passes and all I have left is the nostalgia. Which, by the way, is a pointless emotion. And yes, right now, I would do almost anything to go back to this time last week and to once again be nervously looking forward to the weekend's reunion, but that is silly, so now I need to look positively to the day ahead and the future ahead and take it all as it is, value what I have here an now (and not in some alternative reality, which in a way the weekend felt like) and remember fondly those moments that were so special.

Words

My fortune cookie yesterday said "A single kind word will keep one warm for years." In the past couple of days I have been fortunate to have heard some of the kindest words. Yet, I have trouble putting things into words. How could words possibly express the deepest and most serious of feelings, those that shouldn't even be felt. And definitely not spoken out loud. So I pressed my hand tightly over my lips and buried my head in a strong embrace. Until tears started flowing instead of the words. And then it was all ok. Sometimes there are no words needed to show how much you care about someone.

And now, instead of talking (and thinking) about something (or someone) that cannot be put into words, I will use my words to get this thesis moving along.

Bad karma

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up some snacks for a small gathering tonight: hummus, dip and some veggies. I was being lazy, thinking that I was only getting a few things, and didn't get a basket. I picked up the veggies, the veggie dip and then headed for the hummus. I placed the container of hummus on top of nice little pile cradled under my arm and yeah, well, gravity won. The hummus slid off to the floor - and here, I have to say, they could really make those boxes a little sturdier, because the thing opened right up and half the hummus spilled on the floor. Shit, fuck! I looked around, nobody saw. I moved the lid that rolled away closer to the pile of mess I had made, grabbed another box and quickly left the crime-scene. Little did I know that this was going to haunt me all day!!

I am thinking that by confessing to the crime, maybe karma will leave me alone.

Because here is what happened next: I got some coffee on my way back to my apartment and as soon as I got home I very clumsily poured half of that cup of coffee on my laptop keyboard. After a half a box of tissues I even considered bringing in the hair dryer, but all the keys still work, phew. The eject key is a little sticky...

A few minutes later, in the kitchen, a box of cereal fell to the ground, opening down, of course, spilling little pieces of honey-bunches-of-oats EVERYWHERE!!

Next, in the bathroom, I brushed by a box of q-tips sitting on a rack and oops, the box just fell on the ground, conveniently opened and every single q-tip - not even sparing one - rolled out onto the floor. This was a box of 500.

For the rest of the day, I am staying put, trying not to lift anything, touch anything or bring any liquids near my computer. I am not complaining, really, it was a good lesson, I think I learned something, but please, enough now, I confess!