The perfect amount of pain

Been feeling sort of anxious over the past couple of days. School, work, boyfriend, whatever else there is, sometimes it all seems a little too much to handle at once. And then it's been raining for days, and every day, more and more lecture pile on top of the ones I am already behind on. And the weekend offers no relief in this matter with a wedding plus friends and relatives in town!

When I got home from class in the early afternoon, the sun was beginning to poke out from under the clouds. Finally! I put on my running shoes and headed out to the river. I desperately wanted to let go of all the shit in my head, to relax, to find that sweet spot that all runners know about. That spot where your legs propel you forward without effort and where all inner dialogue disappears for a few moments at a time. 

As I was running south, the wind was gently pushing me forward from the back, but I was getting distracted by every little thing. Shoes coming untied, layers coming off, sweating too much, nose running, nothing quite right. When I got to the 2.5 mile spot I usually turn around at for shorter runs, I stopped to stretch, to look at the water, take in the view of Brooklyn, the bridges, a little bit of NY Harbor. It's no Central Park, but can't complain!

I contemplated going on south, trying to make it a longer run: maybe I'll be able to relax a little more after a couple more miles. Then I remembered all those lectures, the 100's of pages of notes I have yet to review, and quickly decided to turn around. This time, the wind was in my face, it was hard to speed up, there was ni hope of me trying to do any intervals or sprints. I finally let it go: it's just not meant to happen today, I thought. Not going to find that sweet spot. It's ok, it's still a workout, I am outside, it's sunny, I will feel better later on when it's raining again and I am stuck inside. I kept pushing against the wind, with less effort and more acceptance this time. After some time - a few minutes, maybe more - I realized that I wasn't thinking of anything anymore. I also noticed that I was in pain. My shoulders were aching from a yoga class I tok a few days ago, my legs were getting tired, I could feel a small blister developing on my right pinky toe. I notes all these sensations. They weren't bothering me, they were just present. Beyond those sensations though, I felt empty. No racing thoughts, no worrying. Just the perfect amount of pain occupying all that space now. The thought of stopping or slowing down exited my mind as soon as it entered - I needed to hold on to the pain as long as I could. 

Sitting at my desk with the piles of notes sitting right next to me now, I still feel that sense of calm, of letting go. I wish it was easier to hold on to it. 

Lacing my shoes up

Last week, at least for a few days, running took on a whole new meaning. For the first time in a very long time, I ran 4 times in one week, felt excited about it and for the most part, felt really good doing it (the weather has a lot to do with it of course, besides the various emotions that needed to be released after the terrifying events of last week). I thought a lot (perhaps too much) about the whole thing; I tried to focus on the positives. Like being very grateful for everything. Being healthy and having two legs to run on were the main focus. And other things we take for granted.

Then as the events of Friday were enfolding in Boston, there was more to be grateful for. Also, as soon as I heard about what was happening, I wanted to go for a run. And I did. And it felt so good.

Now that it all seems to be over, people naturally want answers. But I am not sure what people are expecting. Could there ever really be a satisfying answer to all the why’s?? Or even one that could provide some sense to closure, possibly peace. Not likely. And yet, people try to come up with reasons and when that is the case, it’s very easy to fall into oversimplifying potential motives, labeling people are good versus evil and so on. Last night I went to see a new movie by Mira Nair, The reluctant fundamentalist, at the Tribeca Film Festival. The issues it brought up in the film could not have been more relevant. Good versus evil; the effects of discrimination on people; being caught between cultures and between a person’s commitment to family, country versus his or her commitment to him or herself.

Beyond what happened to the victims of the bombings, the stories of the two young men who are accused of this horrendous act of violence also makes me incredibly sad. It’s easy to say that there is a good and an evil side to this story, like so many other stories. It’s more difficult to admit that there is so much more that plays into the actions of individuals who for one reason or another commit acts such as this one. Just two weeks ago, the lives of the two men involved still had the potential to take a completely different turn. Life for them could have gone another way. What gets me about the whole story is realizing that they are (were) human beings like any of us and that the 19 year old kid who could possibly face the death penalty could have been any other 19 year old college freshman I run into daily on campus. But for them, something has gone so wrong.

The conclusion I have come to is that given a set of circumstances, almost all of us could be in the shoes of that 19-year-old. I was lucky enough to be born in a free country, to never have experienced war or terror first hand, to have had the most open family and upbringing. We are born as blank slates and all of our experiences mold us into the people we are when we die. We have a certain predisposition to respond to those experiences one way or another; but in the end, we don’t fully understand what influences are most crucial when it comes to shaping a person’s mind and behavior.

In the end, an act of evil was committed by people who are likely way too complex for us to be able to simply label them with a single adjective. For me, this all comes down to one thing at the end. We are constantly evolving beings, nearly all of us and we constantly influence each other. Perhaps if the people who have committed acts of evil have been given a different set of experiences throughout their lives, they would have turned out somewhat differently. I might be completely wrong on this, but in the end, being as caring and compassionate as possible with those around us can only have a positive effect, so why not try a little harder.

With that said, and slightly unrelated to all this, I am ready to get back into running. Spring is finally here, the 2013 NYC Marathon registration has opened, and I have a guaranteed spot. This is going to be a big year to run a major marathon, to show the world that runners are not quitters. So I am lacing my shoes up once again, and hopefully with that, I will find the words to write again too. 

Terror

It's sad that it took today's events to get me to sit down and write again.

I talked to a friend today with whom I ran the 2010 NYC Marathon and she said that as a runner and as someone who had participated in a marathon before, she felt like she was being attacked. I feel the same way today. I may not have been in Boston, I may not have ever run the marathon there, but as a marathon runner, as an athlete, as a person, I feel like I have been attacked.

For me and I am sure for many others, running is a safe place. It's where I go when I am sad, stressed, happy, tired or just need to gather some thoughts. Marathons are celebrations of all of that. Of the time and energy people devote to their passion, of the strength and perseverance of a person who can push him or herself to the limits. Crossing the finish line three times now has been the most joyous and emotional place I have been in my entire life.

Today, the world is a little darker, a little sadder. For many people, that joy was never felt. It was tears and terror instead. Senseless terror, which is always is. But this one hit too close to home. We have to try to go on because we cannot let terrorists to change the way we live; that would mean giving in. Running is a safe place for me. It will still be a safe place. Nobody can take that away from me.

Learning

I was talking to a friend from grad school over the weekend who is now a postdoc. She said she couldn't imagine going back to school and having to study again. I tried to argue that what she was doing in a new lab - learning new techniques and such - wasn't so different. I think we all learn tons and tons of new things every day of our lives, even if we don't realize it. But I do have to admit, she was right in that med school is different. What she was talking about was not the learning, but the studying. The need to remember, memorize, regurgitate. The thing is, I love learning things - but who likes taking exams? And yet, to take exams means you have to memorize. And preferably remember, at least for a few hours, while you are taking the test. Or in the case of doctors, preferably for good. Right?

I just took an exam yesterday, in pulmonology. Less than two weeks ago, I took an exam in cardiology. In a another two weeks, we will have another exam in lung pathology. Then anatomy. Then nephrology. Then god knows what... and this will never end. Literally, will. never. end.

Some days, it feels like I am being run over by a truck. Or, it's more like there is a person - the professor who happens to be lecturing - throwing heavy objects at me at a very fast pace; I am expected to catch all of them, stuff them in my head as quickly as I can, and then remove from from my head just as quickly to make room for things a different person will throw at me next week. It's like myriads of information is flying in through one ear while just as much is flying out through the other. Continuously.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling really overwhelmed by cardiology. It was our first real "medical" unit. We were actually learning about real diseases, what they looked like under the microscope, how to diagnose them and how to treat them. For the final, we had to learn to read EKG's, heart sounds and murmurs and also hundreds (or so it seemed) of heart disease medications. I thought it would be impossible. I spent lots of hours in the library making index cards, giant tables, taking hundreds of pages of notes and eventually, it all somehow went in my head. And it was kind of fun (except for the endless hours in the library while others were enjoying life out there somewhere). It was so interesting. Then I took the exam. It went great. And then I was done. I was tired. I just wanted to see some friends. See a movie. Have a drink.

But medical school is like a train going at 120 miles an hour, never slowing down. So the next morning - actually, the same afternoon - we started the next unit. I figured that after what I had just accomplished, it would be a piece of cake. So I ignored school for a while. I went to class, but then I did other things: I went to see a movie, I met friends for dinner, I got drunk, I went to New Haven to visit a friend, I refereed some fencing. And then there was already another exam looming in the near future. Again I felt like there was just too much to learn. And I did not even find pulmonology interesting: it's basically Physics. Pressures, volumes, tubes, resistances, lots of equations and calculations. But there was I again over the weekend, locking myself in the library (well, for some of the weekend) and on Monday morning, I took another exam and it went well once again.

And today, the train kept moving. Every time, I promise myself that I will do a better job keeping up with the pace and the material, but sometimes, one just needs a bit of a break. I have no idea what I would do if this went on for any longer than 4 years. It seems impossible enough to get through that many! And now I don't even remember what my point was...

The greatest country in the world?

Yesterday, while trying to study, I had the live feed from the presidential inaguration on in the background. I really liked Obama's speech; I thought it was courageous; I loved how talked about equality and education and gay rights, about the opportunities for people who have dreams. It made me think about the last time he was inagurated 4 years ago. I was still a grad student at the time, and we didn't have a day off then. I was working in the lab at HSS and we got an email that morning from the hospital administration, letting us know that they would be showing the event live in one of the large conference rooms in the hospital. By the time I got there, there was standing room only; there were so many people there; black and white, doctors, nurses and janitors. People cried (including myself), people cheered, people applauded. It remember feeling proud living in a country where this was happening. Since that day, I have been very fortunate in so many ways. Perhaps most importantly, I now have a green card. (I do have to mention that one of the issues Obama pointed to in his speech yesterday had to do with skilled immigrants, which is only a little ironic given that I won my green card in a lottery after having spent 10 years in the US and in a PhD program.) In a few years, I will be proud to become a citizen, even though I admit that this country could and should be so much more successful, such a better place to live, it has such great potential, which it has not reached yet. Like Obama said "While these truths may be self-evident, they have never been self-executed." But more than anything, what's so amazing is that I've been given all of these amazing opportunities, which allowed me to live out my dreams to their fullest potentials. More than anytime before now, 4 years after I cried in that conference room at HSS, I am exactly where I want to be, I am doing exactly what I want to do, now, if only someone could reduce my student loans, pretty please!!!! 

Here is a clip I love, from an HBO show called Newsroom. It's a bit lengthy, but it's worth to watch. America could easily be the greatest country in the world.

2012

Another year has come to an end. I spent some time today looking through pictures from the last 365 days. Some things I saw there seemed like they happened years ago, while some seem just like yesterday. Made me think of all the people I know, all the places I visited, things that I did this year. So very rich. A chapter has ended, and another has begun. In more than one way. 

Some things to contemplate for 2013: more patience, less facebook, more running,  less complaining, and focus on the things that matter more, not on the small things.

Now I am off to run the usual midnight race in Central Park. Here are some of the pictures that made me nostalgic, happy or sad about this past year:

 

Anti-constitution demonstration in Budapest during the early days of 2012 - Hungary shall be a republic.

 

 Sasha, who reminds me of that whole crazy living arrangement I had for the first half of the year.

 So many interviews: my trip to Stanford and the Bay area in February was amazing! Even though I didn't get accepted there, it was the best school I got interviewed at and I loved just being there.

 

 The first nice days of spring in Central Park, with Kata.

 In Washington, DC for the Cherry Blossom 10M race in April with Rachel and David. Rachel and I will be running it again in 2013!!

Bohemian beer garden in Astoria!

 Leah and Rob's wedding cake, by Janice, of course - a lot of close friends got married this year.

 Rob with the Northwestern fencing girls at his wedding

Sipping martinis with Kelsey and Lauren at Rob's wedding - NU fencing reunion

 Urszula and Alex got hitched too, at City Hall

 Becky and John's wedding 

 Saying good-bye to the 4th floor of HSS in June

 Back home again in June, with Szidi at Lake Balaton for some sailing

 My precious little niece with my Mom in Budapest

 At the Sting concert, just like when we were 17!

With my brother near Hamburg

With Berit in Hamburg

 Hamburg - at the Elbe

 London with Dani - running in the rain

Dubrovnik with my cousins from all over the world

 In London again, this time, for the Olympics

An almost perfect day in London

 Prague with Jana and the little ones

With my parents in Budapest, photo by Yen

 The summer of 2012 was arguable one of the best of my life so far. So many people, places, happenings. Budapest, Hamburg, London, Prague, Dubrovnik, all amazing! I was incredibly sad to leave.

 New life about to start: getting to know my new med school classmates

 My roommate and I at our White Coat ceremony in August. A huge adventure about to begin.

 Halloween, some med students, some friends...

 Hurricane Sandy in October. We were out biking around the city the next morning. At the time, we had no idea how much damage it had done. The post-hurricane days were kind of fun for us, but we can still feel the after-effects. Things at NYU are just now going back to normal.

 For a few days, I was living like a refugee - not a bad lifestyle when your host makes guacamole for dinner - with Emese in Astoria

 

 Election day - Paul is very excited to vote in Murray Hill

Brooklyn Night Bazaar - perhaps a new holiday tradition

At the Columbus statue art exhibit - it's literally a living room with Columbus in the middle of it

Aditya turned 30 and is about to cut a sailboat cake, by Janice of course

To run or not to run

I've been dying to write for the past week or so but we have been having internet issues once again (yes, still hurricane Sandy after-effects) but I am so happy that I can once again access my blog this morning!

Someone was just asking me about my blog and what was its theme. I said it started out mostly about running, back when I first got into long-distance "racing" and marathons. But honestly, I cannot remember the last time I had a running-themes post... which is sad. I thought then, maybe I should change the title. The more I thought about it though, the stronger I felt that no matter what, no matter how little time I have, how other things in life take priority, running is still and will always be a part of it. I still run. Not very much, not too often, but I am a runner. There are days when I just need to go out there and run off some anxiety, anger, or just because I want to run. Simple.

My heart wasn't all the way in the marathon this year. I had registered back in the spring, since the deadline is so early, I figured I would do it just in case. Then the summer came and went by without training. The fall arrived and med school started and I found myself increasingly short of time and always stressed to find more for things that seemed more important. Then my foot started hurting and I was convinced I had another stress fracture. Even after that had been ruled out, I wasn't feeling it. It was already too late for the November marathon to get into full race shape, so I quit, I canceled. First time I ever canceled a race. Of course, at the time I had no idea the race would be canceled anyhow in the aftermath of Sandy. It didn't matter to me anymore.

But here I am, in the middle of the winter now, and I am still running. Most weeks, just once or twice, sometimes on treadmill. But I can feel that I need it, I want it. It clears my mind, releases stress, anxiety, whatever it is that I feel building up inside.

I recently read an interview with my favorite New York Times columnist, Nicholas Kristof, about running. I love this bit at the end:

I'm curious about one last thing. For me, running became something that allowed me to take action, that somehow instilled in me a sense of courage and ability to act. You are someone who very much takes action in your reporting and advocacy. I'm curious whether running informs or reinforces your ability to muster the courage to be a voice against injustice?I think that running helps me step away from details and sort out larger ethical issues and what I should do about that. It gives me perspective about what's important and what I can do about it. In that sense, I think it helps galvanize me to try to make a difference.
It offers clarity. It offers clarity about priorities. So often, my day is all about details. This lets me step back and soar above it all and see what is truly important.

So true! Could not have put it any better myself.

For example, today, I was out and about in the city all day. I decided to walk all the way to the Upper West Side, which must be about 3-4 miles from my apartment. It was one of those incredibly clear and crisp winter days, which I love so much. But the walk across midtown during the holidays is s stressful affair. The crowds were just horrible. I even stopped at the MOMA thinking I could take a peak at The Scream and Starry Night while I have time (it's free for NYU students to go to most NYC museums, so it's worth a trip even just to look at one favorite painting) but the lines and the crowds were too overwhelming. I saw the paintings through an army of tourists taking pictures with their cell phones and practically ran out of the museum!

It's already dark outside and I can't muster the courage to go out in the cold, so I am just gonna head down to the treadmill and watch some silly TV. A run is a run anyhow. Maybe tomorrow in the snow :)