Addicted no more

It's been a little rough getting back into the flow here in New York. I find the months after the holidays a little blue; although this time, it's working in my favor. I don't feel bad about shutting myself up in the library, lab, or my apartment. It's cold, gets dark early, people around seem to be in a generally bad mood. I've been sensing a lot of anger. The funny thing is, while all this negativity is upsetting me, in the end, I can clearly see the balance that is always present but sometimes harder to notice. For every inconsiderate person crossing my path, there is another one offering a great deal or caring and understanding; for all the anger and disappointment, there are apologies and positive thoughts. In the end, if we let ourselves get upset and dwell on negative things all time, we are creating a sort of negative energy around ourselves, which only feeds itself and it becomes more and more difficult to get out of the cycle. I am getting better at letting things go, which I find, makes life so much easier, so much more balanced.

And ultimately, I also find myself a lot less dependent on people these days. This is something I have been looking for a long time. I had tried so hard in times before to become more independent of people's opinions, people in general. I think that some of our need to be around people comes from out fears of being alone. Yet I often found that being with people could be just as empty and lonely as being alone, even possibly more so since we have so many expectations for others - our friends - which are impossible to meet and so ultimately, we are easily disappointed.

I have had to reevaluate some of my relationships. Maybe it's the new year, time for new beginnings, lack of free time. I don't want to "waste" time by wanting or needing to be around people next to whom I feel empty. And I want to make sure that I can still have time for those who I really care about. Priorities. Tough. But totally possible. And as someone who, for the first time in a long time, knows what she wants and how to get it, I feel fulfilled by the routines of the days and weeks, wishing for more time to prepare and for the passing of time to slow WAY down!