I think science is cool. Of course, just look at the title of this page. To clarify, however, I would say that I loved the idea of science, the theory. Doing science, as we do in lab, is a whole different story. For some people, they are the same; but for me, it has become somewhat of a repetitive daily routine, the technicalities which I do enjoy, but I am having more and more trouble seeing the big picture, the significance, which, ultimately should be why we do what we do. I can't help asking myself why I am doing what I am doing, what is the point of my project? I am afraid that the answer is that it's only for the sake of having a project. And I suspect that many projects people are spending loads of money on are the same way. Otherwise, how would graduate students get that PhD? We need projects. Ultimately, I am sure that there is some benefit to the progression of science, but I am not sure I can justify that for myself.
It's such a cliche to say that I want to make a difference and help people, but that's really what it comes down to. It's difficult to really put into words why I want to be a doctor. Working with people, sure, the adventure and challenge of having to figure out what's wrong with a whole person, using the science I know and combining it with the "human factor" - all that we, scientists, don't think about too much - the adrenaline rush of being able to change someone's life. Last night, I got a small glimpse of this adrenaline rush.
I have been volunteering in the pediatric emergency department for a few months now in a hospital located in a pretty poor area of the city. The ER is often overcrowded and understaffed. Every Monday night, I make my way downtown, hang out there for a couple of hours: I do simple things from giving people water, snacks, try to make them feel a little more comfortable, run samples to the labs, pick up meds from the pharmacy, and whatever the doctors need. Now I have gotten to the point where I know most of the doctors, they recognize me too and know why I am there. Sometimes, the residents let me follow them around and so I get to go see the patients with them. As with most inner city ER's I guess, it's more of a primary care facility than a trauma center. Lots of kids with colds, rashes, sometimes asthma, or cuts requiring stitches. I had not seen anything more exciting than stitches being put in.
Last night, the resident was a very nice girl, about my age, we started talking and she told me to just follow her. We were going in to see a little girl who had a bad abscess, which had to be drained. She was too young to talk, and her Mom looked super scared; she could not have been more than 18 herself, pregnant with her second child. After examining the baby, the resident discussed with the attending and they decided to cut the abscess open to drain it, with local anesthetic. So we went in to explain to Mom about this, and she practically had a panic attack upon hearing this. She started hyperventillating and said that she was having contractions - while only 6 months pregnant - scary! The doctor did his best to calm her but he couldn't convince her to leave the room while the procedure was done. It was a pretty intense situation; I was just standing in the corner, listening. After they started prepping the baby, it became clear that she was way stronger than she looked and they needed at least 2 people to hold her down. So the attending asked me to help. I mean it's not a big deal, just holding the baby's legs so she wouldn't move around so much, but as a consequence, I got to see everything from very close up. The whole time, the baby was screaming, trying to get out of our hold, and yet, the doctor made hi incisions with such accuracy I was amazed!
After the whole thing was done, finally Mom got to hold her baby and she slowly calmed down. I brought them some juice and tried to chat for a little bit, but the baby clearly remembered that I was holding her down just minutes before. Suddenly, the Mom asked me if they could stay in the hospital overnight. She said she was nervous about doing something wrong with the wound, maybe it would get worse, it was already 10pm and she was having contractions! She was clearly terrified. I went to find the doctor and told him about this. He told me he really appreciated my help and that he was really glad I caught this. He said I should tell them that they could be admitted to pediatrics. When I went back to tell the Mom, she seemed super relieved.
Before heading out, I poked my head in to say bye to them. The baby was finally asleep on her Mom's lap. Mom said her pains stopped. Phew, thank god! They both seemed so peaceful finally. She thanked me for everything (I didn't think I did very much at all) and that felt amazing! I walked out of the hospital feeling like I was walking on a cloud. Walking to the bus stop, I was thinking to myself: this is why I want to be a doctor, this exact feeling, which is almost impossible to put into words. That simple "thank you" form a worried Mom, that word of appreciation from a doctor, that baby sleeping peacefully on her Mom's lap... those are such incredible experiences I don't ever want to forget, and even as a doctor, I want to always remember the human element in medicine, which is why I am so attracted to it.
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