Detour

I was on 69th St running towards Central Park when I suddenly had the idea to just keep going over to the West side. It's Saturday midday and I have nowhere to rush to: I have decided that to stay sane during the thesis-writing process, I will need one day a week to just not look at the thing at all and not go to the lab at all. So instead of turning onto East Drive at 72nd, I kept going straight across the island to the Hudson River Park.

It's hard to explain how much I have missed the Hudson. Last spring and summer I got so into riding my bike up and down the Hudson: it's completely mind-freeing, beautiful, I love the speed, the wind, everything! And I hate that it's winter now and I haven't gotten my bike out since mid-November when the weather was last nice. I miss it so much: the past week I had several dreams with my bike or with me riding a bike. And then there are the grassy lawns of Battery Park City, where I love hanging out just sitting, reading, watching people.

Today might not have been the perfect day for this detour - the high temperature for the day was 0C/32F - and it was super windy by the river too! But I kept running South and even with the wind and the icy Hudson it felt so nice! I didn't have a plan beyond just running; with a credit card in my pocket, I figured I would just improvise. I thought I could turn around at one point and run back the way I came or just keep going until I didn't want to go any further and then find an alternate way home. This is not the smartest plan when it's 0C outside, but yeah, I just kept going. Then I was down in Battery Park City and I remembered that the World Financial Center had all these shops and restaurants and restrooms, so I got a hot chocolate to warm up.

I walked around the building, and then realized - well, I was aware of this half consciously or maybe fully consciously, who knows - that I was across the street from an apartment I had visited not too long ago belonging to a certain man I still have mixed feelings about even though he doesn't even deserve a single thought but sadly that's not how these things work. Even if the guy is the most horrible person who obviously has some issues I don't want to even know about (cuz really, who disappears without a word; one day everything being great and making plans and then never hearing from him again). Anyway, there I was, across the street from his place and just felt kind of sick, so I went back out in the cold, took one look at the building, then quickly ran across the street to find a subway station.

I don't know what I expected. To see him there? Or to find some sort of closure in seeing his apartment building? Why is closure so important? Why can't we just forget about the people who are not worth thinking about?

Strangely enough, it feels like some sort of closure did happen today, whether it was the run or something else but I do feel relieved somehow. Following an instinct, even when it goes against rational reasons, can be the better path to chose in some cases.

Sometimes a detour can be rather therapeutic - conscious or not - what matters is that the Hudson is still there and even when icy and covered with snow, the lawns I miss so much are waiting for the return of the spring. And so am I.