A special day

What a difference a couple of days can make! A little change in perspective, a big hug from a good friend, a great yoga class, the inauguration of a new president, a few nice and encouraging words from the boss.

Yesterday was a great day. People were talking about it as a historic day, which it truly was, although I think I will need to look back on it from a distance in time to fully realize the meaning of it. It's strange because we all knew that on Jan. 20th, Barack Obama would become president, but what I didn't realize was how huge an event it was going to be. I had to work on my lab meeting presentation for most of the day, but I took a short break at noon to watch the taking of the oath live on TV - it was projected onto a big screen in the main conference room in the hospital and people were sitting on the floor and crowded into the room to be able to watch it during the workday. Now I realize that there is no more liberal place in the US than NYC, and even within NYC, I was watching the transition with a bunch of doctors and scientists. With all that said, I was still amazed by the emotion that I could see in people's eyes and expressions. There were tears and cheers and applause, even though we were sitting in a conference room a couple hundred miles away from Washington, DC. Amazing atmosphere.



It was extremely difficult to concentrate all day: there was live broadcast all day on the internet, and I even came home for lunch to be able to watch a little TV. Then in the evening, there were the balls. Everyone was talking about Michelle Obama's dress and the first couple's first dance, which was very romantic, although Barack didn't seem like a great dancer, although I kinda expected him to be (oh the power of stereotypes!) I was excited when I heard that Sting was performing at the Neighborhood Ball, so I came home early from lab and decided to work at home instead. Now, I have seen Sting perform live several times, and I am a huge fan in general, watched all his movies and bought all his records, but the day has come when I have to say that he looked disturbing. Really hate the crazy facial hair and darker color.



Anyhow, the day was not about him, and his voice is still like it used to be, so I wasn't too disappointed. I really liked the presidents speech, especially where he mentioned science and technology - way to go - and he really spoke to everybody, not just African Americans, not just Americans, but all people who believe in equality and freedom. Even though I am not a citizen, I feel like he is my president as well. It's such an important step for the whole world, not only because of his politics, but because it shows that humanity can indeed overcome issues like racial discrimination (well, mostly... I am sure that people in small towns in the south would disagree), which is still such a huge problem all over the world, including Hungary. Just 40 years ago, like the President said yesterday, his father would not have been served in a restaurant in the South, and today, his son is president of that same country. I do believe that one day it will be possible even in Hungary for minorities like Gypsies to hold office and have equal opportunities. Maybe I am naive and overly optimistic on this first full day of the new administration, but without believing that it can happen, without having seemingly impossible dreams, the world would never progress. After all, so many older Americans said that they never thought they would live to see this day, they thought that maybe their children or grandchildren would, and now that dream that seemed so far away and unlikely has come true. No dream is unlikely or impossible, unless we believe them to be!

Countdown and am I losing my mind?

This is it. Officially started the countdown to vacation, marathon and whatever else there might be this weekend. I am a little overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally, physically. Actually, the physical is the least of my problems right now. I have been taking it very easy with the running and other exercise, so I feel well rested - at least in my legs. On the other hand, I haven't taken a day off since Christmas - either been in lab or refereeing - and it's starting to show. Today has been a mess so far, trying to run experiments, reading articles, putting together the powerpoint for my lab meeting presentation on Wednesday: as a result, neither one of these is going well, and I have a huge headache.

Had a smaller freak-out moment a little while ago: for a few minutes, I had a very intense desire to scream. I was thinking about going outside and up on the 71st St. bridge above the highway where it's really loud and just let it out. Now I am having some calming Chinese green tea and feeling much better. This might the beginning of the end, of losing my mind.



Last night I was working late and then walking home, it was snowing, and it being a holiday weekend Sunday night, nobody was out on the streets around here and it was actually rather quiet. That does not happen too often in NYC. The snow also makes everything seem more tranquil, it gives the surroundings a special kind of light, even at night, the way it reflects the traffic lights. So instead of going straight home, I took a detour and went out to the East river. There were still a lot of cars on the FDR but standing very close to the railing near the river and having a very big, almost sound-proof hood on, kind of filtered all the noise out. It was really very calming and meditative standing there as the snow was coming down, looking at the Queensboro bridge and the skyline. It all looked so far away, like I was not standing on the island, but rather, I was watching it from far away, somewhere in space. The sensation only lasted a moment, or what seemed like just a moment, but it was wonderful. I suspect this is what people who are trained in deep meditation experience more often. The sensation of being a bird and flying above the Earth and looking at it like it was far removed. Things were so clear to me in that moment. I was so calm and content and careless. I wish I could recreate it somehow, but I suspect that doesn't happen on command. You need to empty yourself out completely, make your mind blank and then this wonderful feeling might flow into the space that you'd created.

Give and take

Some people just love to give and please. It has just suddenly dawned on me that I might be one of those people too. I love giving presents more then receiving them; I love throwing parties and feeding 12 people even if they barely fit into my apartment, even if buying all the food makes me go broke for a few weeks; I have the hardest time saying no to anything that people ask me for, including "Could I stay at your apartment for a month?" or "Could you referee another fencing meet this weekend?". A funny and slightly embarrassing story comes to mind too: a few years ago I was seeing a guy, there wasn't anything serious between us, but I liked him, and when he happened to be in Budapest on his birthday - without me - I insisted that he must have lunch with my parents so he would feel at home and that my Mom baked him a birthday cake. I imagine the whole situation was rather awkward; of course, my parents being my parents were awesome and welcomed him with much love and a huge chocolate cake, but what was I really thinking? Well, I think that it gave me intense pleasure to think that I was "taking care" of him and making him feel good, even if it was more awkward than anything in the end.

I was talking to a friend about something along these lines and he said that giving this way is really just a form of selfishness. We please others and it makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside. Well, selfish or not, it benefits everyone at the end. Besides, I am starting to think that other than the way mothers love their children, there is no real selflessness in this world. Almost everything people do is for a reason that will benefit them, but if it also benefits others, then it's not so bad after all.

Part of the pleasure is in feeling important, like others need me, it makes life a little more meaningful. After all, all we can do to make a mark in this life is to try to touch others; not everyone gets the chance to save numerous lives or to discover the cure for some deadly disease to benefit all of humanity. But I think that it's just as good to make a difference in a few people's lives, the ones we really care about, and I do believe that no matter what our reasons are for doing that - selfish or not - just by being there are caring means so much.

With all that said, I am going to make a resolution. I am done giving to people who just take and take and never give back. When I say giving, I mean giving something of myself, not something material or helping someone. For those kinds of giving, there is no need for any return. And by giving back I don't mean something material either, or something of equal value, but I mean giving back by caring, for whatever reason - selfish or not - but caring. I am fairly certain that pleasers don't go well with takers, and I am afraid that after too much giving to self-absorbed, insensitive people, I will just stop trying and I don't want to.

Crossroads

I haven't had much inspiration to write lately. This week started off badly with a stomach bug of some kind, which was no fun at all. I still don't have my appetite back completely, which is worrisome in terms of the marathon preparations. Right now I should be eating huge bowls of pasta with tons of bread, and all I could squeeze into my stomach today was half a cup of chicken noodle soup with a few pieces of bread, an apple and a cookie. In terms of the training, I think this isn't too much of a problem. I ran for about 30 minutes on Monday and my legs felt ok even though they were still a little tired from last Friday's long one. I will try to run some medium distance this weekend and then maybe a couple of short ones next week and then that's it. The weather has turned icy here too so it's hard to find motivation to get out of the apartment.

I can't really express how excited I am about Miami! Not only the race, the thought of which has been some source of stress in the past few months, but the time away from here, the warm sunny weather and spending time with friends. Time away from here, NY, the lab, winter, YES, mostly that! Usually I travel a lot in the winter, but this year, I haven't gone anywhere since the season started (except for Philly, which was not a break in any sense of the word) and it's been a little depressing and draining.

Next week I have to give a presentation during lab meeting, which comes up once about every 8-9 months, so it's sort of a big deal, meaning that I have to show progress. My adviser is very demanding, but lately, we've had a better understanding about things. I am not worried about him thinking that I don't work hard enough, because I am confident that I do and he is not unreasonably demanding in terms of how much data we crunch out in the lab. He is a perfectionist though, like most scientists I have met. Also, my project has been in a sort of pit lately. It's hard to admit because it's something I get very attached to. It's sort of my baby. I thought about it so much, put so much time and effort into, and well, at the end, it turned out to be less interesting than we had originally thought so. It's nobody's fault, it's just science. Every time you start working on a project, there is some chance of it not going anywhere or not being very novel and interesting. Some projects are higher risk, some are lower: obviously, the higher the risk, the more potential it has to be very interesting and a very good publication, but also has a higher chance of failure. Like the stock market in a way.

Yesterday I had a long conversation with my mentor about the risks and benefits and about what I want to do and how long I want to do it for. For maybe one of the first times ever, I felt like he really cared about what I wanted and so it wasn't overall bad, but at the end of it, I had to admit that I wasn't cut out for the very high risk stuff that might end up in Cell or some Nature journal. I admitted to him that staying in academia was not a priority for me, rather, I wanted to do something different, even though I enjoy the day-to-day experimental work but not the frustration that's been so much a part of it lately. I know that every grad student goes through this, but some people are more cut out for it than others. I definitely don't have enough patience for it. So at the end, we decided that it would be better if I put my project aside for a bit and started thinking about and working on something else, only slightly related to what I've been doing for the past year and a half.

I feel like I am at a strange crossroads. Not just in terms of deciding which direction to go to in my research, but in a more general way too. I need to be in control of things at all times. I need to know that the projects I am working on make sense and are going in a forward direction; I need to feel that I am ready to run the marathon, even if it's not really the case; I need to know if the guy I like likes me back, right now, without a doubt. In short, I hare uncertainties. They stress me out. Maybe uncertainty is not so bad. After all, the unpredictability of life is what makes it so exciting. I need to decide whether I want to be the kind of person who is always in control, and thus, always feels secure, or if I can let myself not be in control and still feel good about myself. I think that I want to try to give up some of the control and stop wanting and trying and fighting so hard all the time.

In Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle, the protagonist climbs into a deep well to be in the darkness and be able to think when too many overwhelming things happen in his life. Once inside the well, someone pulls up his ladder and so he gets stuck for a few days. At that point, the situation is completely out of his control: whether or not the person who took away his ladder brings it back will decide his fate. It's an incredibly vulnerable position to be in, but I think that in some way, to lose control like that - don't have to be in a deep well without a ladder to feel that way - can teach us something important. I want to let go and put the remote control of my life down for a while. See where it flows on its own.

Oh, yet another Murakami reference comes to mind:
"A road without an entrance or exit is a strange thing, when you stop to think about it. The fundamental principle of things like roads and rivers is for them to flow. Block them and they stagnate."

The last long one

I didn't mean to sound so pessimistic about things in my last post. We all have good and bad days, the bad ones pass as well as the good ones.

I had been planning on this long run for a while. It was supposed to happen last weekend, but with re-occurring shin splints and more acupuncture, I had been resting my running legs for some more time. Earlier this week I had two good runs though (6 and 8 miles) so I was getting confident again. I knew that if I wanted to try to run the marathon in 16 days (SCARY!!!) then this was pretty much my last chance to do a really long run. No pressure, right? Well, as it turns out, maybe the pressure is good for me. I figured that if I could at least tell myself that I had tried my best in terms of the training, considering all the setbacks, then I would not have any regrets, which is very important for me.

So I set out into the rather chilly morning (26F, around -3C), all bundled up with a scarf around my neck, hat, wool gloves, three layers on top, and finished my planned distance of about 18 miles or 30 km (sounds so looong in km's), which is 3 whole laps around Central Park. When you start running, it's a pretty daunting task to finish 3 laps, each of them taking about an hour. It's easier to set little goals, like "I need to just make it past this hill" or "I will stop for a drink after that curve". In any case, things were going really well till I started the 3rd lap, which was really difficult. My legs were in pain, tight and heavy, but I got through it all!

As soon as I stopped, I felt like I couldn't move every again! It took so much effort to just squad down to stretch my quads. I even considered hopping into a cab, but I got through the first few painful blocks of walking and made it to the closest Starbucks for a hot cup of coffee - most amazing after being in the freezing cold for 3 hours! I made it home to a very hot bath (some people swear by taking ice-baths after long runs to reduce inflammation in the legs and for better recovery, but there was NO WAY I would have gotten into a bathtub filled with ice water after that run) and managed to force myself to do a bit of stretching (not the easiest task when your legs are stiff as a board. Besides some pain on the outside of one foot, I am feeling great, a bit tired... I have a train to take this evening to Philadelphia, which will be good for resting my legs, although I also have 2 days of refereeing (standing up) to look forward to. Not so excited about that. Might need a wheelchair...

Drained

The past few days have been a little draining. I am really tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally, exhausted. Swam, ran, fenced, almost as if I managed to exhaust my body enough, then my mind would turn off too. It doesn't work like that. Worked long hours, worried too much about everything, talked too much but said too little. Craved intimacy and touch, opened up too quickly when there was a chance for it. It left me feeling like those flowers that let their buds come out too early before winter is over and in the morning, when the frost comes, the buds all brake off. But then the flower survives and when spring really arrives, it blooms with all its beautiful colors!

I like this image. Light and dark. The birth of something bright from the black emptiness. Hope for spring, for blooming, for light, for what is there to come.

2008 - in 35 answers

I don't usually like answering a list of cliche questions. Today, however, I saw the following list on a friend's blog, decided to copy the questions and started answering them. First, I couldn't even think of too much to write. First of all, I hate answering questions in a single word, I like to elaborate on things - always hated multiple choice tests. Second, I could hardly remember what I had done in the beginning of 2008. I wrote a few things down and then I was walking somewhere and all of a sudden, I found myself going over the questions in my head and thinking more about the previous year. It's a good list in terms of sparking memories that I have not really thought of, in some cases, for months now, but were very much part of 2008. For example, I traveled to Portugal in March to visit my best friend, who was studying there, but it feels like it was years ago now, so it took some serious effort to remember that it was indeed, in 2008. Anyway, here are the questions and my answers. I encourage you to answer them too, it's a good way to do some reflecting. I am also looking through some pictures I have of the past year, might share some older ones from before I started writing the blog.



1) Was 2008 a good year for you?
Yes and no. I have learned a lot about myself and the world, but often through disappointments.

2) What were your favorite moments of the year?
Tasting many different kinds of Port wine in Porto; many moments while at home in Budapest, but most memorably, riding a bike along the Danube in Pest looking over at the Castle Hill; spending time with close friends, seeing long lost friends; dancing my socks off at the wedding of 2 good friends; being near the ocean; running a lap around and then swimming in my underwear in a cold cold lake in Stockholm.

3) What were your least favorite moments of the year?
After a long day in lab, finding out that my whole-day experiment failed; saying good-bye to friends and family after visiting home; spending hours at physical therapy for my shin splints; running into an ex at my favorite restaurant, which I had showed him just months before.

4) Where were you when 2008 began?
In NYC, singing karaoke.

5) Who were you with?
With my best friends in NY: Rob, Kelsey, Rachel, Urszula, Utthara, and many others.

6) Where were you when 2008 ended?
At a friend’s apt. at a very small get-together.



7) Who were you with when 2008 ended?
Rob, Leah, and her roommate, Mike.

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008?
Yes

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2009?
Not really, part of my resolution last year was that I should reflect on things more often and not just at the end of the year.

10) Did you fall in love in 2008?
No, although I have met two people I liked a lot, but both - for different reasons - are unavailable and I fortunately know better than to fall in love hopelessly.

11) Did you break up with anyone in 2008?
No

12) Did you make any new friends in 2008?
Yes. Many. And I am most thankful for it.



13) Who are your favorite new friends?
Hard to answer, but I think it’s a Hungarian girl I met in NY, Kata, in the summer and a few people I met through her later in the year. They have been wonderful.

14) What was your favorite month of 2008?
August.

15) Did you travel outside of your country of residence in 2008?
Yes. Portugal, Hungary, and Sweden.



16) How many different states/provinces did you travel to in 2008?
9 states other than NY in the US.

17) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2008?
Nobody has died, thankfully, but I feel like I have lost a friend; hopefully, just temporarily.

18) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Many people.



19) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2008?
It's so difficult to compare different genres: for Hollywood type movies: The Dark Knight, for more artsy ones: Un Secret

20) What was your favorite song from 2008?
MGMT: Time to Pretend

21) What was your favorite record from 2008?
Alanis Morissette: Flavors of Entanglement

22) How many concerts did you see in 2008?
Quite a few, depending on whether we count each one separately at a festival.



23) Did you have a favourite concert in 2008?
Definitely a let-down compared to previous years, but it's always been a dream of mine to see Alanis Morissette, which happened at Sziget Festival this summer.

24) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
Too much during the summer; since then, I have been cutting back and have only been drunk a handful of times.

25) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
Only once.

26) How many people did you sleep with in 2008?
Zero.



27) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yes, but nothing very serious.

28) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?
Not sure. I don't think I ever found out.

29) Did you treat somebody badly in 2008?
I am sure, but hopefully, not too badly. It's impossible to always meet everyone's expectations, but I think I have tried very hard to not treat people badly.

30) Did somebody treat you badly in 2008?
Yes, but maybe I am too sensitive.



31) How much money did you spend in 2008?
Too much. Not sure what I spent it on either.

32) What was your proudest moment of 2008?
Giving a presentation on my research project in front of faculty and students, and then my mentor congratulating me (he's one of the most critical people I have ever known).

33) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008?
Getting very drunk at a music festival and trying to kiss a certain someone, while REM was playing in the background, most of which I missed due to being too drunk.




34) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be?
I don't have regrets, but in general, I would try to be more selective in terms of who the people I really open up to are.

35) What are your plans for 2009?
Wow, this could take up pages and pages. I want to experience more of life, fully, this year. Not sure how to go about it yet, though. Would be happy to take any suggestions.




After writing all that and especially looking at all my pictures from the last 12 months, I have to say, it was a pretty good year. I have traveled much and spent lots of time with lots of people I love. Pictures can be misleading sometimes I guess; we never take pictures of the sad moments and the times when we are alone and unhappy. But all in all, 2008 wasn't at all bad, I am taking many fond memories with me to this new year.