Countdown and am I losing my mind?

This is it. Officially started the countdown to vacation, marathon and whatever else there might be this weekend. I am a little overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally, physically. Actually, the physical is the least of my problems right now. I have been taking it very easy with the running and other exercise, so I feel well rested - at least in my legs. On the other hand, I haven't taken a day off since Christmas - either been in lab or refereeing - and it's starting to show. Today has been a mess so far, trying to run experiments, reading articles, putting together the powerpoint for my lab meeting presentation on Wednesday: as a result, neither one of these is going well, and I have a huge headache.

Had a smaller freak-out moment a little while ago: for a few minutes, I had a very intense desire to scream. I was thinking about going outside and up on the 71st St. bridge above the highway where it's really loud and just let it out. Now I am having some calming Chinese green tea and feeling much better. This might the beginning of the end, of losing my mind.



Last night I was working late and then walking home, it was snowing, and it being a holiday weekend Sunday night, nobody was out on the streets around here and it was actually rather quiet. That does not happen too often in NYC. The snow also makes everything seem more tranquil, it gives the surroundings a special kind of light, even at night, the way it reflects the traffic lights. So instead of going straight home, I took a detour and went out to the East river. There were still a lot of cars on the FDR but standing very close to the railing near the river and having a very big, almost sound-proof hood on, kind of filtered all the noise out. It was really very calming and meditative standing there as the snow was coming down, looking at the Queensboro bridge and the skyline. It all looked so far away, like I was not standing on the island, but rather, I was watching it from far away, somewhere in space. The sensation only lasted a moment, or what seemed like just a moment, but it was wonderful. I suspect this is what people who are trained in deep meditation experience more often. The sensation of being a bird and flying above the Earth and looking at it like it was far removed. Things were so clear to me in that moment. I was so calm and content and careless. I wish I could recreate it somehow, but I suspect that doesn't happen on command. You need to empty yourself out completely, make your mind blank and then this wonderful feeling might flow into the space that you'd created.