Fear no more

Fear of the unknown, of the long, lonely path leading to dreams might stop us from reaching those dreams. I don't remember when I had lost my fearlessness, but I am trying to get it back now. Nothing is lost forever, I think. At 17, I ventured half-way around the world chasing a childish dream that many would have deemed overambitious and unrealistic, but that didn't stop me. At 18, I was at the gates of that dream, of living in this country I barely knew anything about and even though it was not much like I had expected it to be, I was not about to give up and leave. Somewhere between 18 and 22, I lost that great ambition, that attitude of "never say never" and settled into a comfortable resignation or compromise.

Now, some years later, I feel like I have grown up a little finally. Not by any means all the way, but a little at least. I am much more aware of the happenings - state of mind, emotions, thoughts, feelings, I suppose - inside, sometimes rather chaotic. Looking deep, I had come to the conclusion that I comfortable is not something that makes me happy. Challenges, goals, the thrill of achieving are more exciting to me. Some dreams don't fade and that means something. Like when you see a great shoe in a store, but it's too expensive or a little too funky and you're not sure whether you should buy it. If you leave the store without it and then the next day and the day after that you are still thinking about that shoe, you should go back and get it! It's almost never too late. Even if they don't have it at the store anymore, you can find it online. It might be a little more work, but if you still really want it, you will find a way to get it. Unless you are the type to give up when the store manager tells you that they had just sold the last pair in your size.

Well, I was once told that my size was not available, anywhere, and I believed it and made some compromises.

For some time, I have known that I had enough of compromises.

Riding my bike down along the Hudson river in the dark, windy night, I was overtaken by an incredible sense of freedom. I felt that there was nothing that could stop me. Adrenaline, endorphins, whatever causes it - my tolerance must have gone down during my 6 week hiatus from running - it was so real. A moment of complete freedom from worry and thought. When I got home, I just knew what to do. To take charge and move forward. It is scary, yes, I know it's going to be extremely hard, yes, lonely, for sure, and long too, but I have to try, that I know for sure. And not matter what happens and where I end up in life, I just have to be able to say that I chased after every single silly and childish dream and at the end, all I want to be able to say is that I have no regrets.