Growth

Growth on a personal and emotional level is knowing what I need and what I don't need at a particular time. Today, instead of letting myself wallow in a feeling that was becoming too intense, I said no. No to the memories and the longing and yes to reality and the rational in me, which told me that this was not the right time for those emotions.

Sometimes, these days, I feel a little cold inside; none of that warm fuzzy feeling of infatuation or love, or whatever it is called. Just calm, and a little cold. But how good calm is sometimes! It leaves an incredible amount of space for growth and progress and lets me channel my energies towards different things.

Yesterday I spent a few hours with spinal cord injury patients at Mount Sinai Hospital, organizing a Thanksgiving brunch/party for them. It's part of a program through New York Cares, which is a great organization coordinating volunteers in places where they are really needed all over New York City. I used to think that New Yorkers were a little cold and heartless on some level, too absorbed in their own lives, but being part of this organization completely changed my mind. New projects are posted almost daily on the website and within hours, all the volunteer spots fill up. Even on the night before Thanksgiving, the volunteer spots for shelters all over the city which needed volunteers to cook and serve meals filled up in a matter of hours. New Yorkers do care, indeed!

Where I was going with this, is that yesterday, as these patients - most of them in wheelchairs - were eating turkey and stuffing, totally absorbed in playing bingo, I felt warm and fuzzy inside again.

I have to be honest here (and most importantly, with myself). I am not this selfless person who's spending her Sunday mornings serving Thanksgiving meals to people just out of the goodness of my heart. To anyone who's known me for some time, it should be no surprise to hear that I have always wanted to be a doctor. What I am doing now is a long detour. I didn't always admit that but now I am learning to be more honest with myself. Research is not what I ever wanted to do. So here I am, relatively close to getting that PhD (well, if 1.5 years is close) and I have decided that I am going to try to go to school for at least 4 more years if I can. Yes, I will apply to medical school soon. I need to do a lot of different kinds of volunteer work to make myself more competitive in the application process, which is grueling and as somebody I met yesterday put it "completely emotionally draining".

While I think the the intent absolutely matters, I do believe that what I am doing is still right. Is volunteering for putting it on a resume selfish? Less selfish than doing something else that doesn't help people only for the sake of putting on a resume. The warm and fuzzy feeling inside is what makes a lot of people do these sorts of things. Is that selfish too? It's like saying that if you love doing something and you're doing it because you love it, it's selfish because in the end, you're doing it for your enjoyment. Well, I think that if you're miserable doing something and try to help people with that, it's not gonna help. It's so much better to find something you love and then use it to help people. Or find something that you love and helps build your resume, and use it to help other people.

I got a little far from where I started this post off. I guess, all I am trying to say is that there is a time and a place for everything. And there are certain times which are not for certain things. Right now, I have a clear goal: to do well on a test and do as many things as I can to make me a better candidate for medical school. Then, it will be the applications and finishing my PhD. We're talking plans for the next 2 years or so. After that, I have no clue, but that's the beauty of life: I have no idea which part of the world I will end up at the end of all this. But it's very exciting and even though my schedule has been absolutely hectic, I am much happier overall, knowing that I am working towards something that is so important to me.