I never thought I would one day be the kind of person who not only enjoys but is actually addicted enough to go running on a frigid December evening. Well, times change, people change. I am that person now. I managed to convince part of my usual Monday night running group that this would be a good idea too: it's actually the warmest day of the week, with -5C tonight. Tomorrow, will only warm up to -3C.
I have been in sort of a bad mood for the past few days: worked all weekend (refereeing and lab) and my experiment that took most of yesterday was mostly a failure - actually, more than a failure - I am pretty sure that it will take several months for the project to start moving forward because of what this experiment showed. On the bright side, I can concentrate on writing my thesis during those few months. Oh, yeah, I don't think I mentioned that I had unofficially set a defense date for April 7th. Phew, it looks like it's really gonna happen! Refereeing on Saturday just pissed me off. Lots of the usual annoying complaining (and I was only doing epee, in which it takes a certain kind of person to complain, especially at the high school and local level) and then there were at least 2 people who asked me if I had ever fenced. The only normal person I talked to the whole day turned out to have been convicted for beating his wife with his sabre a few years back. Always my luck!
Adding to that, some emotional ups and downs. Do I like him, does he like me, when will he call me, will he ever call, I wonder if he wants to hang out, do I want to hang out with him, do I have time for all this, is it worth the stress, and WHY THE HELL IS IT STRESSFUL??? Dating, ugh, in NYC, would never wish it on my gravest enemies! I check my phone: no messages. Then again, nothing. Oh, please, stop, for god's sake, you're not 17 anymore! Hmm, has much changed? Well, yes, thank god, I have learned much. But here is the thing: cell phones, smart phones, computers, always on gmail, facebook, constantly connected, I feel like it takes almost no effort for people to contact each other these days. That is, if they want to. And when they don't, well that must mean one thing. But things are not always that simple. In any case, I noticed these past few days that I am the most relaxed when I am in the flow - as by Csikszentmihalyi's Flow - completely focused on either an experiment, making a figure in PowerPoint, listening to a good lecture, or running. All these times, I am not connected. I don't care whether I got a new email or a text message, or if anyone commented on my facebook status. None of that exists in those moments; and they are becoming more and more scarce.
Take running, for example. It's frigid cold outside, windy, snowing. I have to run fast to warm up. To run fast, I am in complete concentration. There is just the road, my feet and the distance in front of me. I am in sync with my body, aware of every sensation created by my feet hitting the ground. My mind is focused: it's not that I have no thoughts, but they are in order. I think about speed, distance, the act of running, races, past and future, sometimes there is a song playing in my head even if I am not listening to music. Tonight, running south on the west side of Central Park, I am nearing Columbus Circle, the lights are fantastic, the sound of the city is far away, I am almost alone on the road, there is just the wind and then I swallow a snowflake and it's wonderful. It makes me smile. For the first time in days, I feel completely in control, free, relaxed, nothing at all to worry about!
Then we meet up with the group again and go to dinner: hot chocolates all around the table, with extra whipped cream, we probably all eat twice as many calories as we had just burned. But it tastes to good. Priya recognizes one of the waiters at Johnny Rockets from last night's episode of "Undercover Boss", some bad reality show. We tell him, he seems super proud, we laugh like little kids. It feels like complete freedom. To laugh with friends, this might be the meaning of life.
Then I get home, and my phone is like the bottle the recovering alcoholic can't avoid. Without it, she feels free, but when it's in front of her, she feels like she needs it. I see the little green light flash: no messages. I open my computer, gmail, facebook, school email... the usual routine. Nothing gravely important. In the shower, I decide: tomorrow, I am going to leave my phone behind. First, try for just the day. In lab, working, it will not be missed. Then we'll see. Volunteering at the ER, I won't need it. No plans to meet friends; they can reach me by email anyway. How will I feel? Will I be thinking about whether anyone was looking for me? Or is it gonna be free like when I am running and nothing else matters? We'll see.
Sometimes I think how great it would be to spend some time at a place with no possibility to connect to the rest of the world? Does that even exist anymore?? No computers, no WiFi, no cell phone reception, no smart phones, Blackberries, would people talk to each other more? Does being too connected result in being disconnected from reality?
1 comment:
Yes, to a degree it is. "Social networking" in of itself is cold, distant, and quite easy to fall trap of being dependant upon it in many ways. You are very very right, and justified in saying and thinking so. Especially with epee in hand!! Fencing is so unappreciated and foreign here. Did it for 4 years and like social networking, i did feel alone and alien to society at large.
Know your brilliance will overcome these obstacles, the thesis will be written and be exceptional, running in cold temps making you stronger, etc etc. Yes, he'd better email, text, etc you! (my opinion of men these days is not great)
Would love to write much more, though my co-worker has finally made it in and wants his computer back.
There's many places i've found where there's no cell-coverage and internet access...and it is beautiful (at times).
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