Histories

After spending a wonderful Christmas Eve with the Nenchecks in New Jersey, I made my way back to the city in the morning. New York was pretty deserted today, but life does not ever stop in the city that never sleeps: many stores, restaurants, cafes were still open today. I was invited to lunch at a Hungarian friend, Kata's, place. She lives with her great-aunt who had moved to NY from Hungary after WWII, more than 60 years ago. It was quite a different experience from last night's party with over 30 people: it was just the three of us having a quiet lunch and dessert, and sharing an amazing bottle of Tokaji Aszu (5 Puttonyos), the famous dessert white wine from the Tokaj region of Hungary. It was so delicious but a bit sweet and I got quite buzzed at about 2 in the afternoon. After lunch, some old pictures made their way from a drawer to the table: some from the 1930's Hungary, then NYC in the 50's, 60's, and so on. Most pictures were taken in Central Park, Kata's aunt's favorite place in NYC, as well as mine.

I came home and started looking at old pictures too. I don't have too many but my most precious one is my Grandparents' wedding picture from 1942, which I got from my Grandma as a tiny little picture in a fragile frame a few years ago. I took it to a photo store here and they managed to make an enlarged copy of very similar quality and put it in a well suiting antique-looking frame. They both, but particularly my Grandma - my Babi - look so gorgeous in the picture! It's right near the door to my room, I see it every time I come home; one of the best parts of coming home.

Pictures, memories, holidays, family, home... wonderful to spend an afternoon thinking and talking about them. Are we who we are because of who our parents are? Because of where we grow up? Because of the people we meet along the way who influence us? I think it's a very complicated combination of all those things, and something more as well. There are our genes that were passed down to us by our parents and before them, our grandparents and so on. But I feel like there is something more than just the genes and the bringing up and the many lessons we get from our parents. There is history too: of the people, the family, the country, the collective experiences of the people who surround us. Just like history repeats itself inevitably, these experiences are passed down and are somehow almost written into our genomes. They are customs, patterns, events, personalities, feelings.

One of the few things I certainly know about myself is that I am an adventurer. I could never be in one place for very long without the feeling that I wanted to experience something new, I was never very scared of the unknown and of taking chances. When I think about my family history, I realize that this is something that was passed down to me, maybe in the forms of genes or in experiences. I don't know much about my ancestors beyond my Grandparents, but my Grandma on my Mom's side has one of the most exciting and adventurous stories I have ever heard of. In 1944, just a couple of years after she married my Grandfather, he was sent to Germany to fight in the war (Hungary was on the German side). It was also towards the end of the war, and the Soviets were approaching from the East, which is where the village my Grandparents lived in was. Instead of waiting to see what would happen, she - already pregnant with my Mom - and others from her village got on a carriage and then on trains and somehow made their way all the way to Frankfurt, Germany (nearly 600 miles away), where my Mom was born in February of 1945. Miraculously they were reunited with my Grandfather who was in an American prisoner-of-war camp. Everyone ended up safely returning to their village, which I think it's a smaller miracle as well. I wish I was more interested in knowing more about this story when I was younger and when my Grandma could still remember well. If I had more inclination towards writing then, I could have written down her story, which I am sure would make an exciting Hollywood movie too.

My Mom was surely affected by all that happened during that time: even in utero, I am sure that babies experience a lot of what is happening to the mother. She became an adventurer as well: right after high school, she studied in Moscow for 5 years during the 60's, which was not the best time to be in Moscow. She later spent more time abroad on scholarships, even in places where she didn't speak the language at first, like Sweden.

The genes and experiences I got from my Mom's side of the family then got combined with those from my Dad's side, that are equally adventurous. My Grandparents, along with my Father and Uncle, had gone through - against their will - a lot of difficult experiences during WWII. My brother left Hungary to live abroad as soon as he was old enough to do so. My cousin decided to go to high school in Israel when he was 14, and only after serving his time in the military there - no easy feat - decided to move back home.

Histories affect us in other ways too, like how we deal with other people, what kinds of relationships we end up having. Children of divorced parents often end up in relationships that are not meant to be from the beginning and end up divorcing themselves. People who had lots of drama in their marriage will pass that on to their children who will then crave drama in their relationships with others. Maybe even things that happen before we are born somehow get included in these histories. An affair that breaks up one family but results in another one and in a child that would have never been born without the affair. Will that affect the way that child grows up to think about relationships? Will that child be more likely to experience something similar later on in life?

Who knows really? But I think that the important thing is that we realize that who we are is shaped by an endless number of people and experiences. I find that living life more consciously - in terms of noticing patterns and repetitions of histories - can make us better and more thoughtful people overall. And maybe by learning something new and adding that to the overall experience will mean that we can pass something a little better down to people we meet and influence along the way.