Lonely city

It's been a while since I have felt like writing much. My Mom mentioned it the other day and was worried that I didn't have more to write about. It's the opposite, actually. For the past week or so I have been thinking a lot about a lot of things and talking to a lot of people. When I talk about the things that are on my mind a lot, I feel less of a need to write them down; writing is a way to pour things out that have no other outlet sometimes. The reason I was writing so often for a long time I think was partly that I wasn't talking to people so much. I was busy, working a lot, trying to keep up the running, fencing, yoga; it always took lots of planning to get together with friends who are also busy. Or at least that's what I always told myself.

Then, someone walked into my life unexpectedly and stirred things up a bit. Sometimes I wonder if things happen for a reason, if we meet certain people for a reason. Once I read in a book that we should always look for some kind of message when meeting a person, that people who come into our lives always do so for a reason; we just don't listen most of the time and miss the message. It always sounded a bit too new-agey and spiritual for me, but I actually do like the idea a lot. If we pay closer attention, we can always find some way in which people in our lives influence us in a certain way.



We were spending a lot of time together and I was getting a perspective from a point of view of a foreigner visiting New York for the first time. One evening, we were on the Roosevelt Island tram returning to Manhattan. The tram passes by a few high-rises right before its station on 2nd Ave and as people in this city don't use curtains, the passengers have a perfect view of many of the apartments in those buildings. He found it shocking that in so many of the apartments, there were people sitting on couches, mostly watching TV all by themselves. He said that after having spent 5 days here, he had the feeling that this city was really lonely. He asked me why people here didn't get together after work, why everyone seemed to just work and work and run and run and then go home. I didn't think much of this at the time; I just said that this was a different culture, people work so much they are always tired, maybe sick of being around so many people all the time, as in NYC it's sometimes hard to find any time and/or space to be alone. But the image of all the people on their couches stayed with me for days.

The following week, I went to my usual weekly fencing practice, after which I always stop by Chipotle on the way to the subway to grab a burrito. Unless I am absolutely starved, I get it to go and eat it when I get home: sitting on my couch, by myself, often turning the TV on to some late evening show I don't know or care about - just for the background noise. I thought about this as I was ready to leave the fencing club; then on my way out I asked one of the coaches with whom I am more friendly, if he wanted to get a burrito with me. He looked a little surprised at first, but then we went together and ended up having a great time, catching up over a beer and a burrito. Even though I see this coach almost every week, we never really have the chance to talk since he's so busy with the kids and I am always rushing in and out. I realized that I hadn't really talked to him in almost a year! He told me he was really glad we did this, and that when I first asked him to join me, his initial reaction was to say no because he was looking forward to his evening alone at home, watching a movie and eating some simple dinner.

Are we so wound up in our daily lives that we neglect to talk to a person we know for almost a year? Even if it's not a close friend or someone we care about a lot, it just seems so wrong! Do we really work so much that a conversation in the evening can sometimes seem like so dreadful that people just want to go home and be alone? Or is this what we tell ourselves so we don't feel so alone all the time? Is it really different in other places? I have lived in the US for way too long to be able to judge but people from other places seem to think so.

I have been trying to encourage friends to do this sort of spontaneous thing more often: go for a quick drink or meal to wind down after a long day at work; go out to celebrate special occasions; have conversations and involve more people. As a result, I have had a crazy week, hanging out with different people every evening, going to more places in the city, talking to more people. I love it but I am tired. It's Monday morning and I don't feel very rested. Now I need to find a balance. It does seem crazy that we live so close to so many people in the city and yet we are so disconnected from them. On the other hand, while people are all different, I have to realize that I can't do this all the time, that I need some quiet time alone to be able to go for a run or a long walk when I don't have to rush anywhere, to meet anyone. My thinking that I always want to be with people masks some insecurities in me that I should first try to figure out so that I can find balance.