In the present

Can't sleep, woke up at 4am this morning: breakfast time in Barcelona. Tried to drink calming tea, reading, but I am too restless. Memories of the past two weeks, of the past few months flooding in, can't quiet the stream. Given up now, trying to organize things around me instead.

Long plane rides always make me very contemplative: especially if I am sitting by the window, I feel like I have no choice but stare out of the window once my eyes get too tired from reading and watching movies on tiny screens. If I turn towards my neighbor, I always have the sensation that I am invading his or her privacy just by the virtue of being so close. Being away and then coming back to "normal everyday life" is also a good opportunity for some reflection, new beginnings, changes. Looking back through the past three months or so since 2009 started (how is that even possible??? It was just new year!!!) in my memory, now is certainly a good time to think about how to change some things. January was all about the marathon, anticipation and anxiety, then February was for recovering the physical and emotional aftermath of January, then work work work, in the lab, refereeing, I was so tired by the time March started that .

These weren't my most balanced months either. Running 30+ miles in training, then completely stopping for weeks and not getting back to a regular schedule until just recently; sleeping 13 hours one night, then 4 the next; being extremely happy and hopeful, then sad and feeling like nothing in my life made sense anymore; being lonely and feeling overwhelmed by people all at the same time. I need my equilibrium back! Starting now!

This is what welcomed me back to NY: on my way home from the airport yesterday, I had an interesting (funny? sad? strange?) experience. Waiting for the airtrain at JFK, a young guy came up to me and asked, in a pretty heavy accent so that he had to repeat it a few times before I understood, if I was Muslim. Already strange. He said he thought so because of my nose piercing. I said I wasn't, trying not to sound too offended, and told him I liked the way it looked and that was the only reason I had it. He then managed to give me a long lecture about how what matters about a person is inside and not what we're wearing or putting on ourselves. Not that I was ever disagreeing with him, but I tried to tell him that I liked to look nice, what's wrong with that? He then asked if I had a boyfriend? Is this some way of flirting? Anyway, I am not very good at making up stories on the spot and besides, I hate lying, so I told him I didn't. He then called me a lier straight to my face. I thought he was joking at first, but he really wasn't. I was getting really weirded out and told him I had no reason to lie to him and I would think that most people wold lie and say they had a boyfriend if they wanted to get rid of some crazy person harassing them at the train station. After the 4th or 5th time he said I was a lier, I was pissed and got up to tell him he had no business accusing me of lying 2 minutes after we had met and to fuck off.

I got my running shoes on and went straight to Central Park as soon as I got home even though it was raining a little. Too much contemplating, too much thinking about the past and too much worrying about the future. How can we stay in the present? When I feel my feet hitting pavement, the muscles working hard on every step, the feel-good aching all over when I stop, that's when I know I am there, in the present, just me in my running shoes, on the road, always moving forward but not getting ahead of myself.