Lost and found

Onwards from AKQA on Vimeo.

I felt like the little yellow man in this video today. I was going and going and going, didn't feel like stopping, for the first time in a long time. And I learned something very important.

For weeks now I have been struggling with my running. I have been so focused on these shorter races - 4M and 10K - wanting to do better and better, getting under an 8 min/mile or finishing under 54 minutes, I stopped enjoying the experience. After the marathon, my focus in my running had changed completely: I wasn't doing any long runs, I started getting faster on the shorter distances, which also felt good in the cold weather. Rachel has gotten a lot faster than me in the meanwhile too, so we don't run races together anymore and sometimes keeping up with her on a training run can be a challenge for me too. While I had gotten somewhat faster - both at the races and on regular runs too I could tell - I wasn't having very much fun.

A couple of days ago, I wanted to go on a group run at the local running store, for a change of pace (turned out very literally, actually). They do this a few times a week and the last time I had gone - it was way before the marathon even - there were a guy and girl going out to lead two groups. Even though the girls were still faster than me at the time, I felt like being pushed a little was good, wanting to stay with the group gave me some motivation and I had a good run with them. They were also very nice. I hadn't made it back there due to weather and scheduling and all sorts of excuses, but finally this week I decided to go again.

The girl I knew from last time wasn't there, it was a guy I had seen before at the store, who looks like a very serious runner. He said that on most weekdays they can't get a group together but that he'd go out for a run with me. I told him I was slow but he said he didn't mind - saying he hadn't been running very much lately. Oh man! It was a mistake! But at the end, I am so glad I did this, it made me realize something really important.

So the two of us ran to the park and I could tell that he was slowing WAY down for me and I kept saying I was fine even though I wasn't and then he said he only had time for one lap around the reservoir and I thought, oh, I can do that! When he told me that his best marathon time was 2 hours 30-some minutes - I stopped listening after he said 30 and was too busy wow-ing - I felt even more intimidated and wanted more than anything to show him I wasn't so slow. We hadn't even finished the one loop when the water fountain came to my rescue - I was really about to throw up and could not keep up the conversation he was trying to have anymore - I said I needed some water and while we waited in line I tried to hide my tortured expression. In the end, I finished the loop with him but to get out of having to run back to the store, I said I wanted to do another loop. At that point, it didn't matter how much I slowed down, I was just done for the day! It was also about 90 F (~30C) and humid and I was having all sorts of issues: being incredibly thirsty was probably the main one, and then chafing and tightness everywhere in my legs... Ugh, it was just bad overall. I stopped in the middle of the second loop - this is also when I ran into 2 people I know, I must have looked horrible, how does this happen in a city of 8 million people??? - and walked home.

It actually was really nice to walk: it was late enough that there were no cars in the park and the sun was going down so the lights were just wonderful, the trees finally in full bloom, lots of colorful flowers, it's been a while since I stopped to look at the beauty of Central Park in the evening on a hot summer day finally cooling down. It's one of the most wonderful things about the city! It also made me think of Margitsziget and riding our bikes across it with Rachel last summer. Not sure why this happened but I became very nostalgic all of a sudden and started missing it so much!

Huh, today was a new day, has cooled down to normal spring weather, I had a busy day and just knew I had to get out there before the forecasted 4 days of rain started. I was anxious and had no expectations, but I knew I had to run slowly if I wanted to have any chance of having a good run. My goal was 3-4 miles, easy, with lots of stretching. Thankfully, I did yoga last night for the first time in a couple of weeks, which probably helped a lot, and I started feeling really great after about 2 miles, with 2 stops for stretching. I did a 4 mile loop on the dirt mostly and for the first time in weeks or maybe months even, I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP!!

Last weekend I ran 8 miles in the humid midday heat and it was horrible. Today I ran about 10 miles (16 km), very slowly at first but managing to get the pace up a little for the last couple of miles. It felt great! Every minute of it! And then it dawned on me: I am not a fast runner and I am not meant to be one, maybe. I don't know why I was trying so hard to reach these goals that I had set for myself. I have never been fast at anything: I was always a slow fencer and a slow swimmer and a slow biker. Why would I want to be a fast runner? After all, I run because it feels so good, and it feels the best when I run for a long time and I can only run for a long time if I pace myself correctly, which means I have to start very slowly. And that's fine, I don't care about the 50 year old men passing me and I don't care that my friends are much faster than me and we can't run races together. I just want to be myself. As this was going through my head, I leaned on a bench to stretch and my brain got flooded with some hormone - endorphins I guess - and I felt the high I feel only after really great runs and then it started raining.

And what a lesson for life in general too! How often we try to conform to others' standards and opinions and pretend to be some person that we think we should be or that we think others will like and accept more. I am at my best when I am completely myself, relaxed and that's when I have the most fun. A few weeks ago, someone I had only known for a few hours at the time told me what an open person he thought I was. I always think I might come across as a little crazy and intense to people but when he said that to me, I was really touched and I think that the people who can't handle it can go to hell. I don't want to be someone I am not to fit in more or to make people like me more. The people who matter will accept me the way I am: open and slow.