Restless

Ever since returning from my latest trip, I haven't been able to sit still. I can't stand being at home, I constantly need to be doing something, and yet, I can't seem to be able to get anything done. I couldn't get myself to unpack or to put away laundry from last week, my apartment is a complete mess. I don't even have the patience to make a simple meal, I just go out to eat. I am restless. Even in lab, I can't seem to concentrate on a single task for long enough to complete it. So I have just been procrastinating, spending way too much time on the internet and listening to music, almost constantly, and almost all melancholic songs.

I am trying to figure out what's going on. I am distracted and restless. I feel that if I stop moving, I will just not be able to get up again. The end of January was in a way a point of closure for some things. For one, it seems like a part of my grad school career has come to an end. Together with my mentor we have decided that it'd be a good idea to wrap up the project I have been working on for the past year and a half - and has not been working at all in the past 6 months - and try to publish it in the form of a smaller paper (by small, he means that it'd be in a journal he doesn't consider very high impact, but I still think it'd be great). He actually thought about my project quite a bit it seems - mostly while I was away in Miami and not responding to his emails, oops - and now I have a list of things I need to do before we can really say that it's done and actually start the writing process. I oddly look forward to writing. Although it's a very different kind of writing, in some way, writing this blog has made me realize how much I enjoy doing it and how easily it actually comes to me.

Then of course, now that I have the marathon behind me, my motivation to do any sort of physical activity has significantly decreased. It's cold outside, I hate the treadmill, I don't wanna walk to the pool, the gym is depressing. The only thing I still look forward to is yoga. I need to set new goals. A half marathon in May maybe, or getting more serious about fencing again? I need to make a commitment either way, which is the most difficult part of the process.

I am done with traveling for a little while now, which I am both sad and happy about. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed but with this restlessness, I am also anxious about staying put in NYC for too long. My trip to Hungary is soon enough, but I am already thinking: where to go next? Is this normal? I should be happy to stay home for a while. Am I home though? This has always been such a struggle for me. Where is home? Where my family is, but I haven't lived there in over 8 years. I feel more at home in NY than I have ever felt any other place since I moved to the US. But lately, I haven't been feeling really at home, my apartment is no longer a place I feel I can go back to at the end of a long day to relax and let go. I think I need some change.