Where does the good go?

The past couple of weeks have been nothing less than surreal. I would even go as far as calling it dream-like. Being in the dead of winter in NYC one day, walking on warm sand by the ocean the next; then completing the marathon; sipping cocktails in a beach cafe; returning to a snowstorm in New York only to be home for less than 48 hours, then taking off again for another cold weekend in Chicago to referee yet another "marathon" fencing tournament. I am finally home, sleeping in my own bed for a while (for 2 weeks that is). I am happy to be here and stay put.

I continue to feel amazing, I am sure as a consequence of the marathon. I can't really explain it, but the feeling of invincibility hasn't passed yet, even after a week has gone by. I still feel incredibly confident and like there is nothing in the world I cannot do. I walk down the street smiling for no reason, and believe me, that's not the usual me! I was sad yesterday, very tired and teary, leaving something special behind, but even in being sad, now I feel positive and happy in a very strange way that I don't yet understand. Did my body make enough endorphins during the marathon to last for more than a week? Did it somehow change my perspective on things? I am trying to just rejoice in this feeling and let it guide me for a while but I also want to understand it.

The weekend in Chicago was good, mixed, as always is with fencing tournaments. Even more than usual, I felt like I was in an alternate reality/parallel universe (the matrix? :), maybe I have been reading too much Murakami lately ("The wind-up bird chronicle" took me no less than 2 months to read and whenever I read something I like for a long time, I get so affected by it and start "living in the story" in a way). When we go to these tournaments - as referees, or as fencers, although the latter, I can hardly remember anymore - we leave our regular lives behind almost completely. I forget about school and research and spend time with many of the same people I have been seeing at these events for the past 8 or so years, and even more for some whom I have known since the time I was fencing in Hungary.

This morning, back to this reality. I woke up to a beautiful warm and sunny day in NY, went for a run (my first since the marathon, it was short but felt great, legs a bit tired still, but NOT in pain). I was listening to random songs on my iPod and this came on from Tegan and Sara - they are Canadian twins with great voices and really thoughtful lyrics I think. The song is called "Where does the good go?" and it was just nice to hear it this morning.



Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go